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MENU Prologue Day 9 Day
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The sting of sunburn is never fun, Jay winced as she rubbed lotion on her
arms again as she dropped her school bag on the floor of her room, all in one
quick motion. It was something she had grown used to. “Jay…” her mother called
as she heard her daughter arrive home. “Have you got your home-work?”
.Her mother sat
there in tears. Katie tried to help as best she could, but would often just leave to walk the deck and get fresh air, though only during the day for at night she did not feel safe walking on deck alone. Will was learning as much as he could about farming from John without actual practice, Thomas Green was absent more than present and life soon fell into a pattern of sorts. Ship life was so different than Katie’s sheltered upbringing had ever prepared her for and it took all of her resolve to learn and grow to survive. It was small to start with and some days the space seemed smaller than the tiniest room she had ever hidden in as a child. She learnt to sew and cook, as they all took turns making a meal to share amongst them from the rations provided by the ships owners. Katie also learnt how to clean and care for clothes and such things. For a woman of her class, Katie had very little knowledge of how to do things, she had been raised to be pampered by servants; an accomplished young woman – able to sew, read, write and play the piano - but certainly not able to run her own house without a serving maid. Katie felt her feelings of inadequacy surfacing as she struggled to adjust the in-bred ideas of how things were, and tone down her snobbish attitudes. She learnt quickly and with a lot of determination. Slowly her trust and love for Eloise grew – their story was told over and over in a marvelled tone in the small cabin. Will would proudly hold her hand while Katie sat uneasy about the whole thing. “I don’t need them.” She confided in Eloise “If they could not
approve of my husband, then I don’t need them... But...” she sighed and stopped
before the words came out. Eloise nodded and hugged her tight. The ship would roll and
lurch over the course of the days, which for the better part were clear and
blue. Then one terrible night, they hit a storm. The warnings sounded just a
little too late. The vessel rolled as sailors scurried and the word came to them
that they were to batten down everything so nothing would fly around. Thunder
sounded from above as Katie clung to Will in the terrible darkness. As they
listened to the waves crashing against the side of the suddenly thin walls. Then
feebly through the dark, a voice called “Help!” It did not take long for John
and Will to spring up from the beds, and Eloise grabbed Katie’s hand and, a
bunch of blankets and some water. The child was a fast learner as well. They shared the Bible between them; the old book belonged to John who was delighted to lend it to such a cause. By the time they stopped in Cape Town South Africa, Emily could master the basic alphabet with ease. The last leg of the journey in a sense terrified Katie, it was a fear of being alone in the world again, wondering what would happen to them in this strange new world. “Don’t fret dear.” Eloise said as Katie told her what was on her heart. “You have us as friends you know.” Katie smiled; she had never had a true friend
in the past. It would be a great comfort to know that they had Eloise and John
in the new world. One afternoon as Katie sat with Emily and they were reading.
John hurried into the room.
He returned a few hours later and had in his hand
a ticket. The first glimpse
of Australia; and the first look at their new home. As excited as she was, Katie
was also dreading the disembarkment – no illusions of return to Scotland now,
just the stark reality of having to make a new life for themselves here. The
last night on the ship was exciting. They packed and talked of what it is they
wanted to do. The men returned with the
crates that belonged to Katie and Will, packed by Will’s parents all those
dramatic months ago. They then fetched John’s crates, they had one crate, filled
with necessities that they had thought they would need. The rest of their
belongings they had sold to come to Australia. They found a small, cheap room
for the night and crammed their belongings in. Carefully locking the door behind
the men as they left to fetch carts and horses and the like. That night they ate a
little fresh bread and some fresh vegetables. Katie knew that they had to buy
food and such for the trip to the land she mentioned it to Will hoping to
remember it the next day. The sun rose, piercing the room where they were
sleeping. The men nodded, and went to fetch the wagons as the women rose,
dressed and re-packed their bags. The wagons were soon filled with their
belongings, and Will went one final time to check they had everything. The lands
office was a few streets away from where they stayed, and it took them a few
minutes and a little assistance from strangers to find it. Katie sat silent as her husband drove the cart through the streets of Melbourne, the roads; very few cobbled trailed dust behind them as they went. It took a full day to get closer to the mountains, and in that time they did not stop even once for a rest, the delight that the small party felt at the freedom and new possibilities for the future driving them onwards. The first day was
cool enough, actually almost summery, Katie wondered to herself where the snow
was however thoughts of seasons trailed away as they began to search for a
resting place for the night. They found it with another caravan of travellers
camping under the shade of odd-looking trees. Suddenly overwhelmed by the
differences of the world into which they had arrived, and the world she had
left, Katie sat and wept quietly while Will prepared some food for her. He came
to her side and watched her as she sat there, almost afraid to speak what was
silently aching in both of their hearts. The young man nodded and shook their hands. Then his mother said "Take them to the old road, and down past the Allan's' place. These good folk are new landholders now." "They have the creek corner?" "Aye between them." Lucy smiled. "Now gentlemen if you need anything else, I am sure Henry has it next door, otherwise feel free to return and visit us from time to time. You are always welcome!" The men left with the boy in tow, the women smiled as they approached excited about the near-ness of their new home. "Just a wee bit more Katie.." Will whispered as he helped her onto the cart. "Then we can rest a wee bit, half way around the world… " He shook his head in amazement. "We have to build a home first Will" Katie replied, practically. Will smiled, and followed John and Dan the Inn Keepers boy to the track along the edge of town. "Wow, there isn't much out here!" Katie gasped sitting up, as town gave way to trees, gave way to dense trees. "No." Will replied quietly. "It is going to take a lot of work to make it work." The road - really a long line of cleared soil that was in effect dust - wound around a corner and then, Katie could see a creek in the distance. She knew that it was home, felt it in her heart. "There Will, look over yonder." She pointed contentedly. "I think you are right!" Wills reply was as happy as she was - there was cleared land near the creek, and space he could see for two cabins at the least - he had built a few highland cabins on the Laird's property in Scotland, cabins used for resting from hunting. Oh how far removed was this landscape from there, however Will had the knowledge that would make building a cabin a place that they could feel secure in the wildest weather. Katie was happy to know that this journey was near over, she had started to feel pain as the cart jogged every bone in their bodies as they drove along. It was hard on a woman who had been born and raised on a tiny island in the North of Scotland, however she had with great determination decided that this was a journey she must take. They arrived at the clearing that Will had seen from the road they had taken, about 10 min later. "Deceptive those distances." Dan muttered, leading his horse to the creek and leaving it to graze. "Indeed." "Let me see your permits." Dan read the permits and smiled. "This permit is for this side" He handed it back to Will. "And this is for the other side of the creek. " He handed it back to John and sighed as his horse wandered a bit further than he wished. "I need to be going back. To figure out where your lands end, just look for these." He pointed to a post someone had dug into the ground. "They mark the gazetted land, someone wasted time surveying all this. Bye now." With that they were alone, the silence and peace of the bush surrounding them. As the five stood there absorbing it, a solitary bird flew overhead. "Oh my!" Emily said startled "What is that?" "I don't know." Will replied shielding his eyes as he followed the bird "Odd looking creature." "Well let us set up the tents then, we don't even know what else is lurking around here." The men unhitched the horses from the two carts and hitched them to a stake in the ground, with the cows alongside them - will silently resolving to start a penned area for them tomorrow. The animals were within reach of the creek from their hitching post. The canvas that they had slept under the first night was packed near the top of their carts. "It will do for the first night, then we will figure out something else." John said as the two men carefully arranged the campsite around themselves. Later as Eloise showed Katie the way to cook frugally using the supplies they had purchased in the town earlier and Emily acted as the fetcher and carrier. The men started discussions as to the plan to build the two homes. "We need to start simply." John said, as they looked around at the items they had. Will nodded "Starting with a yard for our animals." John nodded in agreements. He knew it was important. The food was not a fine meal that night but it was a celebration -and that made it a meal fit for kings. Months passed, and life settled into routines. The two men, always rose before dawn having built first a yard for the animals out of the hardy timber of the surrounding trees. They moved on to build a shed where not a moment too soon, they had stored their belongings. The rain arrived without warning the same day Katie started to feel poorly. "Eloise, I don't know what is wrong with me." she said as they watched the rain fall down around them. “I’ve been feeling so nauseous and…” Eloise looked with concern at Katie and then suddenly realized that the symptoms the girl had described were simple to diagnose. “Oh Katie my dear, I don’t think you are sick.” Eloise said quietly. Katie stared at Eloise wide – eyed, the youngest of her siblings she had not experienced her mother during a pregnancy. “Ye are with child,” Eloise said, all the experiences of working for large families and having seen this whole process from beginning to end before. “Oh my...” Katie went pale “How am I.” “Hush don’t talk nonsense... mothering comes to ye as natural as can be.” Katie as amazed at the idea that she might be pregnant, and gazing around at
the empty landscape – dreary almost with the rain pouring down she found herself
wondering how to build a life for a child here. So vastly different from her own
privileged upbringing. Later she knew she had to tell Will and that was a Long
wait as the men had gone to clear timber. They were out fetching wood to use to
build the houses. Emily had gone to town with a list to get the needed supplies
in order to live another month on the farms. They were indeed now farms, seed
had been planted and the rains were though heavy, needed to water them, plants
such as tomatoes and corn, wheat for the cattle to have hay. They also had more
animals and a dog to keep it all in order. Emily returned and the women fed the
animals and tended to the chores around the camp. The half finished hut standing
stark against the evening sky, just up a hill from the creeks banks. Will and
John returned the following day with a bullock cart of wood, immediately they
fell to working on the hut as the women did the chores around them and provided
water and food to the men. Katie knew she had to tell will but was uncertain as
to how to do that, and she wasn’t even sure how he would react to the news. As
the men broke for lunch from their work, Katie asked Will to walk to the creek
to wash. Although she loved him and valued every moment they spent together, she
felt awkward and uncertain. “Will, I have some news...” She started. “Are ye
sick my love?” He asked, concern crinkling his eyes in his newly tanned face. He
had noticed somewhat that she was feeling a poorly in the mornings just lately.
“Yes… and no…” she paused, trying hard to figure out how to tell him “I am … we
are... having a baby.” She blurted out finally. He stared at her as what she
said sank in and then hugged her fiercely “That is fantastic!” His smile turned
to a grin; he turned and lifted Katie off her feet into his strong arms holding
her close to his heart. “Aye lassie, and you are going to rest!” They laughed
together as he carried her up the hill to the camp. “John!” Will called
delightedly to his friends “Eloise! Emily” They came running afraid something
was wrong. “What are you yelling for Will, is everything alright?” Eloise asked
in concern. “Nothing is wrong.” Will replied whirling Katie around in front of
him and holding her tight “My wife is going to be a mother, you will all be
aunts and an uncle!” “Aye, wee child will grow up confused!” John laughed once
he realized what Will was saying. “Come man, let us eat and get back into this
home of yours because the young one will need a place to live.” The remaining
seven months was to Katie a time of nesting. She watched on as Will and John
finished their house and moved on to build John, Eloise and Emily’s house across
the other side of the creek. Meanwhile they all shared the small-roomed house
that was hers. Katie sewed scraps of fabric that Janet had packed items into for
the journey, to make curtains and bed linen. She hummed as she worked, delighted
to know that she was finally making a home The other house took shape as well
and the men through all they could into making it perfect, they still shared a
small wood slab kitchen but the women did not mind in the slightest. They rather
enjoyed each other’s company and as the months progressed Katie needed more
assistance to prepare the evening meal for Will and herself. The child came in
September, which Katie had been told finally was spring in this strange place. A
tiny baby girl lay now in the cradle Will had crafted in the evenings by the
fire. The house, thought small had enough room for them all. It was warm and
Katie had started to unpack the crate that Janet had packed, almost struggling
to fight back the tears as each item bought with it the memory of the woman who
packed. She insisted that Will write to his parents. To let them know they were
safe and that they had a granddaughter. A month after the arrival of the child,
Katie was in town accompanied by Emily in the cart to fetch the required
supplies for the month. “What’s the wee ones name?” Lucy asked, seeing them as
they came out of the store and stopping them in the street. “Matilda Anne” Katie
replied smiling down at her daughter who was fast asleep in her mother’s arms.
“So pretty.” Lucy was a warm and caring soul. “The minister will be through on
Sunday, will ye and your kin be coming in?” Katie nodded; her daughter would be
baptized that Sunday. “There is a picnic afterwards.” Lucy explained “As he
doesn’t get out here very often, he likes to visit some with his flock.” Katie
recovered well and was her strong self at the service on the Sunday, and Matilda
Anne was baptized. “What a precious child.” The minister exclaimed with a smile
as he handed her back to her mother. “Ye take good care of her now.” The picnic
was a fun event, it happened once a year and the whole town turned out to
attend, just where the people came from Katie did not know. Even Lucy’s husband,
who they had not met in the entire year they had stayed in the community, had
arrived home from the goldfields. The men were crowded around listening to tales
of easy pickings and fast money. Katie shook her head and wandered over to the
other side where the women sat on blankets and watched over children. Katie held
Matilda in her arms and wistfully thought on the day when she once ran the
fields in her childhood home. “Homesick?” A soft Irish voice asked her suddenly,
almost making her jump, so caught up in her day dream. “a little.” “Tis always
the way of it here, at these picnics.” The woman belonging to the voice was thin
and red headed. Katie saw the toddler around her feet as she invited them to sit
a while. “Theresa Daniels” she smiled as she sat “A year ago I was in Belfast,
and now I am here. This is David, my husband is over yonder” she pointed to the
throng of men over by Lucy’s husband. “He is also David.” “My husband is Will, I
am Katie, and this” Katie held her daughter up a little “is Matilda Anne” She
smiled, taking secret delight in sharing her child with a stranger. “Tis good to
meet you Miss Matilda” Theresa replied. Katie decided life was good. Their home
was perfect and her husband, as he walked towards her was strong and handsome.
She felt that things were right with the world. Her world, her kingdom, was
perfect. “Jay!” Jay rolled over and gasped as she realised her alarm had failed to sound. “I thought you had gone, and then I saw your bag… honey you missed your bus.” Jay’s mum stood in the doorway looking at her daughter as she sat on the edge of the bed yawning and rubbing her eyes. “Well anyhow, I suppose if you needed the sleep-in it will do you good. You will have more time to study today at any rate, I cant take you to school now.” “Are you going to work now?” Jay asked as her mother retreated from the terrifying view of a teenager’s bedroom. “Yes actually I am. Oh and your dad called...” “What does he want?” Jay bristled, not sure what the man wanted with her, every time he called it was something bad. “I don’t know, I answered and he hung up.” “Again?” Jay replied, slightly annoyed. “Again.” Jay dragged her self out of bed, and into the kitchen. “Its ok mum, I will be fine, you go off to work.” “Sure it’s alright honey?” Jay’s mum replied as she grabbed her keys. “Lunch is in the fridge, you can have cookies for snacks and juice for drinks.” She said listing off what Jay would have taken to school anyhow. “I know mum. Ok.. Bye!!!” Her mother gave her a one armed hug as she left the house. Jay heard her lock the front door behind her. Her mind went back to her school assignment, and she decided to do more work on the family side of it. Her mind drifted to the book that her mum had leant her. Going to her room she turned on her CD player and computer, and grabbed the book, sitting cross-legged on her bed she scanned for more information on Matilda, the one who had written the letter, the oldest daughter of Katherine Owens. Instead she had an idea of how to start the essay she had to write on her family to accompany a piece of art – what art she didn’t know yet, but the essay was easier. “Have you ever stood on the edge of history? Looking forward with uncertainty and looking back longing to know more? Wanting to know where you are from but never wanting to fail that heritage? Wanting to forget where you are, but afraid that it is stuck that way. If I had to describe my family in one sentence, I would say that they were proud, strong, stubborn and incredibly courageous.” Jay paused in her typing and stared out the window of her room, her life to this point had been far from a picnic, and her father was the source of much of the problems she had. However learning more of her past would surely influence the future. What were these people like? Why did they come to Australia and why did they settle here? “So here I am, standing at a cross roads a place where my life goes from being child to being adult, here I stand looking back at those who came before me. If I find them, if I can see the world a moment through their eyes, I will find me.” Jay smiled at that thought, everyone in the world wanted to find themselves. Jay no less than her other friends, but she knew that somehow that truth was buried in who her ancestors were, and what they did.
Matilda stood with her hands on her hips, trying to get her siblings to obey.
It didn’t take that much, as the younger children viewed her as much an
authority as her mother. The house across the creek stood empty. It had been the
home of Ma’s best friend Eloise, they had met on the long voyage from Scotland
to Melbourne, and a young girl had been with them. Matilda knew her as Aunt
Emily, she had married and lived in town now, along with Eloise and John, Eloise
had taken sick and John felt it was important to be nearer to the doctor who had
moved to town as it grew. Startled back from staring at the place by some water
splashed on her by childish hands, she smiled at her brother and sister. “Stop
it! Or I will tell ma...” She raised her eyebrow, she never told her Ma the
things her brother and sister did when they were meant to be bathing in the
creek. “Dinner!” Her ma’s voice rang clear throughout the entire valley almost,
Matilda sighed, “Come on you two, dry off and into clean clothes.” They
scrambled from the creek and ran inside to clean and dry clothes. Their Ma
smiling at the two as they came in. “Tilly are you alright?” She asked as her
daughter came in. “I am find ma, absolutely fine.” Matilda smiled, her mother
only ever called her Tilly when she was worried. “How is your schooling?” Katie
frowned as her eldest daughter sat down. “It is all fine Ma, why did Mr Greig
come by?” “No, I am just worried that something is wrong with you, you have been
so pensive and quiet.” “Tilly has a Beeeeeau” Henry stage whispered from the
door to the room where the children slept. “Really?” Matilda replied staring at
her brother “ And who might that be?” “Who indeed?” Will’s voice echoed over the
room with the humour and love he carried wherever he went. “David Daniels.”
Henry continued. David was, a little older than Matilda, he had been a friend
for a long time and they had played together as children often. He had been
paying a bit more attention to her lately, as she attended school with her
siblings. He worked for his Da at the bank. Well mannered and well educated by
local standards at least, the school had only opened a few years ago.
Regardless, Matilda blushed beet red. “Oh Matilda!” Katie gasped “There is some
truth to it then?” “Hes a nice man Ma, and has always been a good friend.” “His
ma is a friend of your Ma’s, and he does alright for himself.” Will added. Katie
was staring at her daughter wide eyed, “You grew so fast Tilly…” she shook her
head and looked about ready to burst into tears. “He is going to ask to court
you. “ George, the oldest of the boys came in behind his father, he had missed
school that day to work on the fences with his Da. He was strong and brown, a
happy lad who worked harder than most. “No.. I…” Matilda stared down at her
plate, as her family laughed at her embarrassment. “You are of that age child,
don’t fret.” Her Da came and placed a loving and fatherly arm about her. “He
came and asked if he could court you.” “Really?” Matilda dared not look up,
because she was delighted by the thought that David Daniels wanted to court her.
“Really.” “And?” Katie prodded Will to continue. “I said of course he might
court my daughter, provided he not hurt a hair on her head.” With that he kissed
the top of her head and sat down for the meal. Matilda could hardly believe what
had happened, she had gone from child to woman in an instant. George winked at
her, they had been close since George was born a year after she was, and grown
up as almost twins. Matilda knew that he had convinced her Da that David was a
fine young man. After dinner was over, and the plates cleared and the younger
ones tucked into bed for the night George and Matilda sat on the step watching
the stars and the creek as their parents sat inside talking at the table.
“Matilda?” George asked quietly, lowering his voice so their parents couldn’t
hear. “Yes?” Matilda frowned “What’s up?” “If he doesn’t treat you right, tell
me and let me deal with him.” George said “I don’t want my sister hurt.” Matilda
nodded. “And…” George continued, going shy all of a sudden “can you put a good
word in for me with his sister?” Matilda chuckled “Sara already likes you. You
just need to wait til you are a wee bit older.” “I know.” George blushed as he
stared at his bare feet. “But if you just let her know I care for her..” Matilda smiled at her brother “ Of course!” The months passed and David came calling. The garden grew and was replanted, Matilda worked alongside her mother to jar goods, and preserve them for the winter when nothing would grow. Matilda turned 17 the following September, the winter had taken its toll on the joy of the family as they heard word that Emily’s oldest Son had been killed in an accident. Matilda did not really understand death; she had been sheltered from it for most of her life, even when Will had to kill the animals for meat the women never watched. She tended to the garden and that was her job. She carried herself more like a woman and her mother grew to expect that David Daniels would come calling on Matilda’s Da to request her hand in marriage. Matilda knew her mother was right, but kept the long talks of the future hopes between her and David to herself. They talked of buying land near the Bass River further south, in fact David’s Father owned some land there already. David had travelled there a few years before and said it was a fertile region, perfect for growing crops. Matilda dreamed of a home of her own that she could tend to for David. David came calling, as predicted, towards the end of the long summer to speak to Will Owens on the matter of marrying his daughter, in the following spring. Matilda met him at the crossroads and road the rest of the way on his horse as he walked. “He wont say no will he?” He fretted, adjusting his best shirt and jacket. “I don’t think he will. I know that they both know how I feel about you.” Matilda smiled, charmed by his unease, knowing that he must be very warm in the clothes he was wearing. “Oh and how is that?” David said, looking up at her impishly. “I love you.” She smiled, as she replied to his teasing. Theirs was an easy and very deep friendship first and foremost, and Matilda knew that she had the best man around. They hurried up to the house as Katie came to the top step, waiting for David, she saw him as he came through the gate and called out “David, good to see you! Do come in…” She spied Matilda slipping around the corner of the house, trying desperately not to be seen and smiled to herself as she led a very nervous David into the house. As all the pleasantries were finished, David drew a deep breath and began the task for which he came. “Sir, I’ve come to request your daughters hand in marriage.” His voice wavered a little and Will could see that it was a very important moment to the young man. “David, I would be very proud to accept you as my son in law.” David sighed, expressing his concern that Will would decline. “Just make sure you take good care of her!” “ I will sir, I love her more than life.” “Good. When do you plan on being married?” “In the spring.” David replied. “That is good, it means we have some time to plan the wedding that my daughter deserves.” Will mused turning to make a note of something on a page. He turned back to David. “Where will you live?” “My father has told me that he would give us some land near the Bass River, further south.” “Aye I know that, it is a fair travel from here.” “Two days by horse sir.” “Does Matilda know?” “Yes Sir.” “I thought as much, she is a lot like her Ma.” “My father has gifted a joining land to my sister.” “Aye?” Will lifted his hand and stroked his chin “I suspect we will have a few weddings in the years to come, at least one more betwixt my family and yours.” David nodded awkwardly. “You may go Son, you look as nervous as a newly broken horse.” David smiled; he had long admired the Owen’s family, long before he had fallen in love with Matilda. His mother spoke warmly of them too. Matilda sat with her mother at the large wooden table. Her mother was digging in a large crate for something. “This ring is important Matilda.” She said as her hands touched each memory filled item in the crate. “Mama you don’t have to…” Matilda started to say as Katie leapt up triumphantly. She placed the ring onto the table as Matilda’s eyes widened. “Ma it is so pretty!” The ornate gold ring lay on the table between them. “Aye it was my Grandmothers.” Matilda sensed a tone of sorrow in her mother’s voice, tinged with bitterness. “Mama what’s wrong?” That was when Katie turned and sitting close to her daughter she told her the story of how they came to leave Scotland and be in Australia. “Your mother gave you this ring?” Matilda asked surprised. “Yes, this ring.” Katie fingered it pensively. “I suspect she thought I would sell it.” “Yet you didn’t?” “No, I decided to hang on to the ring, it is one of the few things I have left from my home.” “Why are you giving it to me?” Matilda gasped. “Because you are my daughter, and I want you to remember your family, who you are and where you come from.” Her mother lifted the ring off the table and placed it into Matilda’s hand, closing her fingers over it. “Some things are meant to be cherished, Family is one of them.” Matilda nodded, knowing that her family would always be very special to her. As winter came fast in from all sides, rain widening the creek and the garden turning to mud. Matilda began to prepare herself for her wedding and subsequent departure in the following spring. Katie made the dress, sewing it from fabric bought by the shop owner, as the news travelled about the town. Henry rode in the gate and bowed as Katie came from the house in concern. “Ma’am,” He said, taking his tiny hat from his head. “I heard your daughter is marrying David Daniels. Aye we are all so pleased indeed!” Katie smiled “Thankyou.” “I bought a gift that I thought you might be able to use. It is not often we have a wedding in our town you know.” With that he reached into his carriage and drew out a length of beautiful white material. “Oh! I could never..” Katie gasped as Matilda came up behind her. “What is it ma?” Henry however came over and looked at the girl, raising the fabric to her face. “Aye this will do it. It is not for sale,” he smiled at Katie, “It is a gift.” As quickly as he breezed into the yard Henry was off again, waving and leaving the material behind. The two women stared at the fabric. “It looks as though you will have a beautiful dress my love.” For several weeks, they worked on the dress, Eloise being brought out to the farm by John insisted on helping them and together they made Matilda’s wedding gown. The day she tried it on, her Da came in early. “Oh Honey!” he gasped, looking at his daughter in her dress “That is absolutely lovely. A princess… aye yes, a princess.” He smiled at his wife, an obvious shared memory of his own princess all those years ago. The dress was stored, ready for spring. “I can’t wait Tilly!” Jean exclaimed excitedly, as she saw the dress finished. Jean was to be a bridesmaid, something that Matilda had worried about, as Jean was not entirely suited to pretty dresses and dancing. Out of all of them, Jean had the most courage in discovering new things, and the most passion about the farm work more likely to be working with her Da than at home with Matilda and Katie. However Jean had also grown, from the young girl catching frogs into a young woman. She was now twelve years old, and as she told Matilda one night as they lay in bed. “Old enough, to start helping Ma around here, a bit more and to tend to the garden.” Matilda taught Jean everything that the garden needed, and Jean worked hard alongside of Katie and Matilda as canning season came, and alongside Matilda as they planted new crops that Matilda knew she would not see grow, for they would be ready at the end of spring. Matilda turned 18 early in September, marking the days until she was married. Everything was prepared, Katie had made the food for the gathering, and Matilda was excited – for her life was about to begin a whole new adventure. The morning dawned with the kind of clarity that any life-changing day has, a light mist fell over the valley as Matilda stood on the step, her bags were packed for they had little time to waste after the wedding to go to the river settlement that they were intending to call home. She was dressed ready to go to the Church, as her father came around the house with the cart – freshly cleaned and ready to carry the bride, her change of clothes and her belongings to the Church. The wedding was lovely, Jean making a very striking bridesmaid and George managed to sit on the end of the aisle opposite his Sara, he was just a year younger than Matilda but had wanted to wait until after his sisters wedding before enquiring if he might court Sara, with the intent to marry her in the following year. The service was simple, but the couple did not mind. The celebrations afterwards were special to Matilda because she knew that they were to create a memory of this day that would last forever. The day faded fast to night and George took his bride home. As the men of the town settled in to preparing their cart for the long journey which was to begin the following day. A manservant would accompany George, a loyal man whom his father employed to work the farms in the area they were travelling to. The morning came all too soon, and as Matilda dressed she caressed the wedding gown just once before calling Sara to the room. “Sara, I happen to know that you will be needing this.” She gestured to the dress lying on the bed, not a mark or stain upon it. “Oh!” Sara gasped gazing at Matilda in awe, her new sister in law, she realised. “Hush now, it is a gift. As it was to me so I give to you.” Matilda hugged Sara tight. “We will see each other in a year.” Sara nodded “So George spoke to you…” “He has spoken to me for the last four years of just about nothing else!” Matilda smiled “He really cares for you.” “Tilly!” David called. “Aye it is time to go.” Matilda nodded to Sara. “Make sure you write and let us know when the wedding is, we will come for it then.” David helped her into the cart, his hand lingering a moment on hers as his eyes expressed his love for her. “Come lad lets get moving!” The Irish in the manservant was unmistakeable. “Aye, it is time, lets go.” Matilda smiled, as her mother leant over the edge of the cart to hand her a basket with food in it. “You take care of her now!” George called as the whole town cheered and clapped them on their way. Matilda who had grown up in the one location with little reason to travel around was surprised at the vastness of the places they passed through. They stopped the night in Woodleigh, very close to the Bass River as it flowed down to the ocean many miles away. It was there that David was told what his family had omitted to mention. “The land, that ye are heading to, it isn’t near the Bass River at all. That is the closest named river though;” The manservant said as he ate dinner, “so don’t be too excited at seeing it. David, you saw your Da’s other property over that way.” Matilda was worried, concerned should someone come looking for them as to where her family imagined her to be, they had poured over maps and locations for a long while, explaining the distance and showing the trail they would take. “What about telling our folks?” “When we arrive, we will send a letter back via postal service stating where you are exactly. The town has not been named.” “You mean like where we left from?” David asked. “Well actually, that was named last year, called Bunyip or something to that effect. It was not a big issue, but it helps to have a letter delivered.” “Anyhow, young’uns, rest as you can, it will not be long until you are settled in a new place.” They slept that night as spring rains fell lightly on the roof. David whispered to Matilda, as they were both awake listening to the sound. “It is such a pretty sound – comforting, to be safe and dry. We ought to have a tin roof.” Matilda smiled. Her Da had built their house of solid wood, it was strong and sturdy, and the roof was lined with old tin sheets he had been given over the years. “Aye it is indeed, reminds me of home.” They fell asleep smiling in the night. The morning came too soon, the rain had not let up and the travellers were sore and weary from lumpy mattresses at the inn. As they settled in for the rest of the journey, though it was not a long one, Matilda began to smell the fresh air. Her eyes closed as the whiff of sweet green eucalypts after a spring shower bought her great delight. “Tilly are you alright?” David asked as he watched his wife out of the corner of his eye. “Oh yes, just enjoying the smell. Don’t worry.” Matilda smiled happily, like a small child with a new toy. “Ok I won’t.” “One more hill Sir.” The manservant called behind him, ”Then we will be where you are to live.” They rounded the hill, and a small valley lay below them, thick with wood and low lying scrub. “This cant be it!” David exclaimed “There is so much wood!” “Aye, but look ye over yonder.” The man came back to stand on his horse beside them, pointing to a tiny white cottage with a yard and fences around it. “That is the house your Da ordered built for you a few years back.” “A few years?” David asked amazed “Indeed, and the one nearby is the the one he wanted for your sister.” Matilda grinned, what a wonderful gift. To be so far from home and yet, have a home already. “He hired some help for the farm as well. I think he said that his son deserved the best.” With that the man tipped his hat back and smiled. “Come now, lunch will be on the table.” He rode off at a trot, David and Matilda close behind him. The house was white from the outside, and beautifully furnished with simply turned furniture. The men lifted the belongings from the cart and carried them inside. Matilda lifted her bonnet off and walked inside as well, gasping at the very details that David’s father had gone into. He was by no means a poor man, but neither was he extravagantly rich. David was however, his only son and Matilda knew that the house sitting just across the way was also as elegant and delightful as this one. The kitchens were separate from the house as was custom, though some had started to build it closer this one was set in the back of the houses, smoke curling from its chimney in an inviting way. “Hello ma’am.” A young woman came from the building to where Matilda was standing. “Oh hello!” Matilda smiled at the girl who curtseyed and offered a glass of water. “Oh please don’t wait on me like that!” Matilda gasped, unaccustomed to such things as servants, her family were not poor but had worked very hard for their lot, her father trained horses for other men now, and yet her mother insisted they stay where they started and tend the property with their own hands. “Im sorry ma’am.” The girl looked wounded and started to back away. “Wait!” Matilda said, trying to make up for hurting her.” I am sorry, I am not used to being waited on.” “Sorry Ma’am.” The girl kept her gaze at her feet, she was a well trained servant. “What is your name?” “Joanna Ma’am.” “Joanna, my name is Matilda, please don’t call me Ma’am.” Matilda smiled as graciously as she could. “I am no better than you.” The girl looked up quizzically, forgetting for a moment that she was not supposed to meet the eyes of her mistress. “I don’t understand…” “My mother did the cooking, I tended the garden and my Da and brothers worked our farm.” “I see.” “Which makes me no better than you, and besides, I really would prefer to have you as a friend than a servant.” “Oh … I…” Joanna was terribly uneasy, and Matilda could see that this would have to wait. “You think on the idea Joanna, friends are hard to find here.” Matilda smiled and headed back into the house, where the cook and Joanna had earlier laid out lunch for the travellers. David sat at the head of the table for the first time in his life. “This is strange,” he said “to have started being a husband and head of the house so soon.” Matilda smiled at him, enjoying his moment. They were thick and fast in the first month of them living in the valley, a letter was duly sent to family stating the error in the location, and time passed slowly for the couple, as they settled in, enjoying each other and enjoying life. Joanna became a fast friend for Matilda, and there was a church built up the road some in a place that was fast becoming a town. Summer faded to winter and Spring loomed around the corner. “Matilda!” Joanna came racing into the parlour one day as Matilda stuck her finger for the fifth time in an attempt to thread a stubborn needle. “Ouch.” She gasped. Joanna stopped to a quick halt “OH! I’m sorry.., are you okay?” “Aye I am.” Matilda smiled humoured by the ongoing issue of needle and thread. “What made ye so excited?” Joanna laid a letter on the arm of the chair where Matilda was sitting. “Oh! It is from my brother George!!” Matilda caught Joanna’s excitement; they had been waiting on this letter for a few months now. “Dearest Matilda, I know you have eagerly awaited news – well this is it, the wedding date is set for October. George.” “October?!” Joanna gasped “I need to find staff for the other cottage, and I need to clean oh my..” “Its ok Joanna, I will help if I can. That is if you let me.” Matilda was pregnant, and that was something only she, David and Joanna knew between them. David insisted she let Joanna know – so that Joanna could keep an eye on her if needs be. It was only a few months. “Oh Matilda. I don’t think David would like me if I let you do that.” Joanna replied. “Aye you could be right.” Matilda replied with a smile, holding the letter from George with care. “I did promise Sara we would go to the wedding however.” “Oh Matilda are you sure that is wise? I mean…” “I’m not dead or dying Joanna” Matilda laughed “ I will be fine, provided I ride instead of going on the cart, that would upset any child!” “You could be right.” Joanna agreed. “I am looking forward to coming home again though you can rest assured.” Matilda replied. “Aye and I will miss you while you are gone.” Joanna replied, smiling. She had not expected the mistress of the house to be kind and caring as Matilda was. They set about planning a small party for when the newlyweds came, and Matilda giggled with Joanna as they planned the cleaning and staff for the new house. October flowed on easily after September and though Matilda was 3 months pregnant she insisted on going with David to the wedding in Bunyip. The journey was harder going than before, it was a lot dryer and there were fires every now and then that they had to find a way around, and what should have taken just over 2 days took the full duration of the two days at a fairly steady pace. They arrived, at the town and Matilda was surprised. In the year since they were last there new homes had been built in the town itself and a big sign announcing the name and population was standing beside the main track into the place, a well-worn track. “MATILDA!!!!” Matilda looked to see a taller Jean standing waiting on the steps of the Daniel’s house. She had come to firstly meet with her sister and secondly to help Sara with the preparations for the wedding. David helped his wife off of the horse and smiled as he leant and whispered “Do we tell?” Matilda smiled, nodding “But not until after the morrow, as we need to give George and Sara the same day we had – their day!” Sara dashed from the house and down the steps in a most unladylike fashioned she leapt to her brother, hugging him tight. “Oh I am so happy to see you!!” she then turned and hugged Matilda equally tight. “I am delighted to see you both!” Sara had grown taller, and was a stunning bride; Matilda smiled to see her, and could hardly wait to have the girl as her neighbour. That evening was one of excitement as they caught up with family and friends from around the town, it was fairly usual for people to travel even larger distances than they had but it was still nice to be home. Matilda enjoyed the stay with David’s family as their daughter in law or as David’s Da said “You are our daughter now, and we love you as one equally.” It was a pleasant night and the wedding the following day was as special to the bride and groom as David and Matilda had experienced years before, they waited with their news until the end of the celebrations and then quietly let the news float to the family that they were expecting. Celebrations renewed and they stayed watching the stars until late into the night before retiring and resting. Their journey home was to be a little longer, once again due to the fires, but the four days they spent with family was a precious time. Sara and George were ready to go, they had been preparing eagerly for this journey – George happy to be within ear shot of his beloved sister and brother in law once more, talked incessantly of plans and hopes and dreams. Matilda smiled at her brother as they rode along, “It isn’t so uncomfortable as you would imagine, it is less rocky than the wagon.” She explained to Sara, as she declined the offer to ride in the wagon. They waved, the townsfolk cheering as loudly for Sara and George as they had for David and Matilda. Home, Matilda’s heart yearned to see the white house nestled in the valley, and to prepare for the arrival of the little one. They road on Matilda watching the surprise on Sara’s face when they stopped for the night. “I thought we would be getting there today!” Sara sighed. “Not quite, tomorrow without fail I am sure.” David replied gently as his sister looked exhausted. George took her to settle in a room before re-joining his sister and brother in law. “She hasn’t been at all well David, I worry for her.” George said “We hope this change will help… but I am not sure it will.” “Oh George..” Matilda placed a hand on her brothers arm, “She will be alright with you, we have a friend who is a doctor in the neighbouring valley to ours, we can send for him when we get home.” George sighed. He hoped to make a life with his beloved Wife but was afraid she would be gone before they could even get started. “Do my parents know?” David asked, to which George shook his head “No we swore the doctor to secrecy, he agreed saying that the wedding and moving and the like was enough to maybe bring some change to Sara. It did for a little while, though hardly drastic enough to work for long.” George spoke quietly, the voice of one who had already seen much worse. “Oh George… “ Matilda hugged her brother tight, he had been alone for so long in this. “Go you have to rest, as do we. The morning will come and we will be home soon enough.” The sun was just peaking over the horizon when they left the following day, eager to be home. “Look.” Matilda pointed to the two little houses nestled in the valley below them “That’s home.” “There is so much wood!” George exclaimed delighted, the opposite reaction to David, a farmer. “Indeed, and you can have as much as you want.” David responded in good humour. He was home at last. “Wait.” Matilda reaching into her bag drew out a scarf, which she waved like mad. “They are expecting us, and watching so now they know we are coming.” She squinted into the distance and smiled to see Joanna’s orange scarf answer her. “Alright, we can go.” Matilda smiled to herself, knowing that she and Joanna had planned a lovely welcome for the newlyweds. The road into the valley was a nice journey, and the gates of the farm stood open welcoming. As they arrived, David rode ahead to get the men from the stables to collect the horses and feed and water them. “My you have both grown up.” George whispered to Matilda when he got a chance as David ordered the men to unloading the cart. “I know, it comes from being Lord and lady or our own place. Come now, into your home.” She gestured at the little house, a mirror to what they had seen when they arrived, it was fresh and clean and nicely laid out. “Matilda!” Joanna came running from the house as she saw her, and stopped short at launching her at her and hugging her tightly. “Joanna” Matilda laughed, “This is George and Sara.” Joanna looked at Sara and smiled “Hello there Sara, nice to have you here, I have heard so much about you.” Joanna turned around and called out “Mary you need to come here now.” A young girl, whom Matilda knew was called Mary, dressed in the simple outfit like Joanna wore, came down the steps of the houses. “Yes ma’am.” She said softly. She seemed perfect for helping Sara. Though she looked as scared as Matilda had felt at being called Ma’am. “Oh no, please don’t call me…”Sara started to say. “Oh don’t worry,” Joanna assured Sara “I did talk to Mary about that but she is very shy.” Sara stared at Joanna some before turning to Matilda “I am not used to servants being so forth-right, but I am not used to being called Ma’am either… I…” She stopped realising that Joanna was still standing there, waiting for them to address Mary. “Joanna is more than a servant, Sara, she is a friend and helper too. As Mary will be to you if you allow her to be.” “How interesting.” Sara replied, slightly strained. George stepped forward to her side. “Let us look around at our home my love.” He said, smiling and nodding to the others as he led her off. “Don’t fret.” David whispered, making Matilda jump a little, as she had not noticed him come up behind her. “It took me a while to understand the world does not revolve around me and what I think of people as well.” “I hope she settles here. What are the plans for tomorrow David?” “I am going to take George out to show him the lay of the land.” “Aye, that is a good idea.” George came a while later to the house where the others had returned, to eat supper with them. “I’m sorry for Sara, she isn’t well. I had her bought something.” He said by way of apology. “Aye, we will send for the doctor in a few days if she is not feeling better.” “Yes. I think that is wise.” Matilda left the men talking late into the night, retiring to bed to sleep. Distantly she thought she could smell smoke. The morning was ominous in its dark haze than hung over the valley. Matilda could hardly breathe the air outside the smoke was so thick. “It must be the other side of the valley.” Joanna said, “You need to stay indoors Matilda, such smoke isn’t good for the youngun.” Sara came and sat in Matilda’s parlour as she sewed. After a light lunch, a scream came from Sara’s house; Matilda stood and stared as Mary ran yelling across the field between them. “FIRE!” She screamed, her hair falling as she ran. “There is fire in the fields!” The men scrambled. The women stared in horror as they shifted the focus to the fields near Sara’s house. Matilda yelled for Joanna. “Joanna go, take Mary and save what you can of the personal belongings and clothes from the house. Sara, we need to get water, you and I are going to be fighting a fire.” Sara, however, sat palely on the edge of the lounge. “I cant do that!” “Nonsense,” Matilda replied, “it is your home we are speaking of, the home you have with your husband.” “FIRE!” Matilda heard the yell from further up. The stables had caught. “COME ON Sara.” She yelled as she left the room at a run, her house was safer, as they had built a large expanse of space around it, however the stables were further up, the men rushed past with the horses and some cows that were kept there. Joanna and Mary dashed back and forth between the homes with small objects and clothing as much as they could carry. Matilda gritted her teeth and filled buckets, and grabbing a woollen blanket she dragged them to the side of Sara and George’s house. Sara gingerly stepped up to join her, another woollen blanket in hand. They soaked the blankets and began to hit out small spot fires as they came near the house. Their only hope to save the place was if the wind changed direction away from the farm. Matilda tried not to think of David and George who were out on the farm in the middle of the fire. They fought for what seemed like hours, the fire spots reduced to ashes, when, with a final ferocity it sparked a fire on the kitchens of Sara’s home. “Oh no!” Matilda gasped as she saw the fire take hold “COOK??” She screamed loudly, the round lady fled the building with barely time to spare, her hands full of whatever she could carry of her jars. They managed, with the men’s help to put out the fire, though as they sat, ash streaked faces watching the ruins in horror, the men arrived to see them. “Matilda? Sara?” David raced to the side of his wife who now burst into tears, slowly she gasped out that they had tried to save the house and kitchen but had lost. George stared at Sara. “You did?” Sara nodded, still confused by just how she managed to find the strength. “Aye your sister… she is so amazing.” David took Matilda in his arms and embraced her. It was then she realised self-consciously that she was covered in black soot. “I need to bathe..” she sighed “And clean clothes. Oh David..” she realised that he did not know about the stables or that the horses were grazing in the field near the house. “We lost part of the stables, the men tried..” The fire was gone for now, the men tried to fix the burnt section of stable but the horses refused to go near it, they took them and fenced them nearby instead and over the next few months rebuilt a bigger and stronger stable with a wider space around it to prevent it catching fire again so easily. “Summer has been very hot.” David said, as Matilda, now washed and clean sat with him in the kitchen. “I suspect the fires are caused by the heat.” Matilda nodded; she knew that was true, they had passed around a few fires heading north, and few on the way back. It was the horror of the Australian summer. As the months passed, Sara seemed to recover from whatever ailed her, going riding and gardening with Matilda. She secretly loved to do all kinds of chores around the house and had started to understand Matilda’s words about needing Mary to be a friend. Matilda, secretly suspected Sara was weak and ill because she had not enough sun, took every opportunity to take her sister in law out for a ride or walk. It seemed that George too settled into the farming life, and he and David formed a working bond that few men had in the region, George was wonderful to behold with horses and other livestock, his aim was to breed horses like his Da. The day that Reverend Sebastian Quinton came calling was not a day that the women at least would soon forget. Sara had wanted to learn how to bake a pie – in order to be able to tell George that she had made it herself, as he had often teased her about being spoiled and not able to cook. So dressed in aprons, covered with flour and with apple peel in their pockets, they were let loose in the kitchen. Sara and Matilda giggled like two schoolgirls who were playing a prank on a favoured teacher. Once the pie was in the oven, watched by Cooks close hands. They sat on the steps of Matilda’s house eating apple. Matilda was now eight months pregnant and so she was leaning over her huge stomach, and her apron shot out at an awkward angle. “Ma’am!” Joanna called. “There is a gentleman here to see you.” “Oh Joanna… who is it?” Matilda replied, knowing that it had to be an official looking man otherwise Joanna would never have called her ma’am. “He just says he’s the new minister in town.” “Oh I see.” Matilda looked down at her outfit. “Oh dear..” she giggled as Sara did the same, they were covered with flour and other such things. “We had best change quickly. Joanna give him something to drink and show him to the parlour, I must change!” Matilda fled, still laughing to change into a more demure outfit, much more becoming a woman who was of her social standing. Sara ran home and returned dressed just as well. “Good afternoon sir.” Matilda greeted the man. “My name is Reverend Sebastian Quinton.” He said, his voice the monotone of a sermon. “I am the new minister in Kongwak.” “Kongwak?” Matilda looked at him askance. “The town nearest here, it has been named informally at least, Kongwak.” He explained, still in a droll tone of voice. “ I see. Welcome to our area Reverend. I am Matilda Daniels and this is Sara Owens, my sister in law.” Matilda smiled as the man tried to sort through names in his head. “Oh I see, I have been told you don’t go to church.” The man held nothing back in coming forward, Matilda realised, he was as forthright as any. “No, it is a considerable distance to go on a Sunday.” “I would like to make an offer – a compromise, as I understand that you are having a child soon.” He smiled. Matilda smiled but inwardly she was wondering why it was that people said such things when her pregnancy was obvious. “Yes I am.” She replied politely. “Ah as I suspected. Then you will most likely want the child baptised.” He seemed to imply that she would be a heathen if she did not, and though he didn’t say it, he had implied that she had already had a mark against her and her family for not going to the church. “Aye I will.” “Good then. My compromise Mrs Daniels, is this. I am willing to come out here and teach a sermon to you and your kin, my wife also wishes to join me if I do such things.” “That is kind of you, my husband may not always be here to hear it but would love to have you come. All are welcome here.” Matilda smiled. Only she knew how true that was, at least six of the workers on the farms were convicts from England, and they had little against their name except the need for food and shelter. “I will be here in a week then.” The good reverend replied, unaware of what Matilda was thinking. “I will leave you this.” The man placed a book on the table, “I presume you can read?” He said, almost snidely, for there were a good number in the congregation who could not read or write. “Aye, I can read and write sir. We shall see you in a week.” The book he had left turned out to be a Bible. Matilda had only seen her parents the day they wrote in her wedding. “Oh my…” Sara gasped as the man took his leave and rode off down the drive. “What was that about?” “I couldn’t very well say no… ma would not be happy with me for not going either. As for the little un... .it will need baptising he is right.” Matilda shrugged “And I needed something to read as well.” Read she did, she lifted the book up and began at the beginning, only to find that it was slow going and hard to follow in places. Having never read the book for herself before. She turned to the back of the Bible, and happen to open to John. As she read a strange sense of right grabbed at her. That the words were something important. Her mother had spoken of faith with disdain; she had however insisted that her family attend the church in Bunyip as often as possible. For Matilda it had been long long sermons filled with boring words. She had never truly listened. As she read it sank slowly in, and questions began to form about the reality of the book she was reading. Was it a good story or was it truth? She vowed to herself to ask the Reverend when he came the following week. The others were concerned for her as she read the book, thinking something was wrong. However it was Sara that came right out and asked why she was withdrawing. “ I am reading this book…” Matilda explained. “It is giving me a lot of questions and so few answers I don’t even know where to start.” Sara sat down next to her as Matilda lifted the book and showed her. “Here it says, “I am the way the truth and the life, no-one can come to the father except through me.” “Who?” Sara replied peering at the page. “I don’t know. I do wish I had paid attention at Church and to my Da.” The following Wednesday as scheduled the good Reverend arrived back at the farm. He dismounted from his carriage with a flourish and drew out his wife from the back seat, she was tiny, frail and very clearly a new immigrant. She wrinkled her nose at the horses and the smells of a farm. Joanna winked at the two women as they peered unladylike through the curtains. “Oh my…” Matilda whispered to Sara “Doesn’t she look….” “Very ladylike?” Sara finished also whispering. They drew back from the curtains and sat staring at the door waiting for them to make their entrance. The reverend obliged not long after they had seated themselves, and appeared with his frail looking wife in tow, walking into the parlour of Matilda’s house. With great care Matilda had placed the book on the table there, and had every intention of asking the man what it all meant. “Come ladies, let us start.” He began, fishing out some notes from within his cavernous coat. “I have here the sermon of the week, my good wife has heard it but she wanted to come for the air.” “ I have some questions, Reverend Quinton.” Matilda stated slowly, uncertain of the protocol of asking questions of such a stately man. He simply sighed and folded his page looking at her over his small round glasses. “Oh and what might they be? Matilda leant forward and opened to the part of the book she had been reading the few days prior, she had even shown it to David, who had asked that she make sure to tell him the answer when she got it. “Who is this man? And why is it that it says he can save the world?” The Reverend, for all his brusqueness and sour demeanour, was a devout man, true to his faith and loyal to his calling. He knew Jesus as a personal friend in his journey and wanted more than anything to share that - though he was ill equipped and lacked the correct words to do this, he tried his best. “He is … the son of God.” He replied, going on to explain the Christian faith and beliefs. “He was born, and died.. And I believe he rose again from the grave.” For Matilda, it did not take a long explanation of what the words meant, she comprehended and pieced together pieces of what her father and mother had said, and what they had been taught in the small church, though any prior teachings seemed mere shavings of wood in comparison to the tree of hope that the Reverend offered. Sara also caught on fast, however she seemed reluctant to learn the simple prayer he offered for them. Instead just nodding. Agreeing with the words he spoke. She knew Matilda had felt the emptiness of her life on the edge of never, and the reality of death seemed more imminent after the experience of the fires. However Sara was never hurried into anything. It was Matilda who told the Reverend she wished that she could have his faith, at the end of the small gathering. “Yes Lass, and you may.” it was his wife who spoke, “You just have to ask our heavenly Father for it.” With that they left, causing dust to swirl as they drove down the road and back to town. He returned the following week, with more information and his wife again with him. They did this every week for the months preceding the impending arrival of the infant, which soon became the focus of the small farm, as everything came to a climatic pause on the day that the child came. Sara was called in as Matilda needed her help. Matilda took ill half way through the day and Sara came out of the room ashen faced, calling for David. “You need to send for the doctor.” Sara explained “Matilda is very ill.” David, turned a pale shade of grey and ran to the stable at a speed he had never run before. He sent his best man to fetch the doctor, then ran back to his wife’s bedside. It was a weary time of waiting, and the doctor came and took one look at the woman, and shooed the others with the exception of Joanna from the room. George did his best to keep David from pacing back and forth but the time drifted by and cook served them dinner, and then sent a snack for supper. The whole farm held its breath waiting for the new arrival. The child came late in the night, her hair was fuzzy and red. She cried just briefly to tell them that she was there and then was safely bathed and placed in her mother’s arms. Where she slept contently. Her mother was weak from the birth, and took ill. David was worried for her and sent word to her mother to come. Katie arrived to her daughter as soon as she could, knowing that David would never have sent for her otherwise. The girl they named Katherine after Matilda’s mother. She was strong, and grew fast. Her hair remained a fuzzy red, and her eyes seemed to smile up at them with loving trust. Katie remained there, her daughter being so gravely ill that they had to take the child away by force in order to make Matilda rest. The worst came when a fever took hold. It was late and David had checked in on his wife before joining the men ready for a large muster of cattle the next morning, and she was hot to touch, her eyes glazed and she muttered out half wrangled sentences. He frowned and went directly to Katie, who sent him out to fetch water, and Joanna. Katie sat with Matilda all night, and the darkest night it was. Every few minutes she would rinse a cloth and lay it on Matilda’s forehead. She knew that she had to keep her cool. She fought through the night, to stay awake and keep watch. Katie dozed off early in the morning, just after the fever broke and Matilda slept normally. When she woke the next day, she asked for David. David came and sat with her, explaining that they had to go and do the muster that day. Matilda nodded, though she was weakened by the fever, she had courage and fight left to recover, and that cheered David no end. “Where is Katherine Joy?” Matilda asked, kissing her baby as she was laid in her arms. She felt tired, just after a few minutes with her precious child, and it was Sara who came and put Katherine in bed. Katie stayed on a few days more and watched her daughter on the road to recovery. She left the following week, to return to her own family. Leaving word with Joanna that if anything were to worsen she was to be called back. However days went by and Matilda fought against sickness and weariness, and regained some of her strength though not all; she was afraid that she had lost it for good, though she did not tell anyone else that fear but herself and her God. It was summer, and baby Katherine lay with her feet kicking against the edge of the cradle her Da had sent down. It was old – he wrote – but sturdy and strong, as it ought to be. He said he had made it for Matilda for when she was born. It was painted with fresh paint, a beautiful white colour. The blankets freshly sewn, and the infant wore clothing of white. It was today that she was being baptised by Reverend Quinton, but this time they would go to the town and the church. It had been a long time since Matilda had gone anywhere outside of the valley, and se felt a little afraid of being weak and facing the world. “Don’t fret,” David told her when she relayed these fears to him “I will be with you.. Protect you and keep you strong.” She nodded, and wrapped the child tightly in a warm blanket. The whole family left the farm, and went to the town. Anxious to have Katherine Joy baptised into the faith. The service was simple and beautiful. Matilda shed a few tears at the sight of her beloved child being sprinkled with water. The return home was much calmer for her, and much more peaceful. Katherine was a placid child, easily amused and easily occupied. Sara and Matilda delighted in playing games with her and sewing little dolls and toys. Instead of calling her Katherine, they took to calling her Joy. She was indeed a bundle of joy, the child would smile widely and cause even the hardest heart to melt. Matildas was amused by the Reverend Quinton’s response to Joy when he arrived for the weekly visits after she recovered. Matilda would place Joy on a rug near her feet while they visited and heard the sermon from the Reverend. Joy would delight in grabbing his finger which he obligingly waved in front of her face. When Joy was a year old, she found she was pregnant again. This time she prayed, it would be a boy to carry on the name and inherit the farm from his father. It wasn’t until Sara came over to tell her the news that she too was expecting that Matilda realised how nice it would be to have a lot of children around - she had grown up in a large family, she and Sara spoke of it and decided that whatever would be would be, but it would be nice for the cousins to grow up together on the farm. Joy learned to walk, and talk. Generally all the men in the farm adored her, her Da would often take her on his horse and ride around the paddocks she was always giggling happily when in the saddle with her Da. Matilda, now heavily pregnant with the second child, would smile to see David take such a love in teaching his daughter new things. “Matilda!” He would call, leaning over to whisper “That’s your Mummy over there.” then he would wave as he rode past and a giggling Joy would be reward enough for him and he would do it over again. It was an easier pregnancy this time, Matilda felt she would cope a lot better than last time and so took time to make a picnic and sit in the yard with her daughter and Sara. The summer was hot as usual but there were less fires and less smoke in the air, the trees that David had planted nearer the house were growing, even though they were not quite big enough to sit under they gave shade where there was none in the past. The summer was sweet, and Matilda treasured every moment as her daughter grew, and started walking, and talking. Joy was 19 months old when her brother joined the scene, his dark hair in contrast to Joy’s red, was as fuzzy as she had been. David Matthias Daniels, as they named him – firstly after his Father and then after his Grandfather, was called Matty, as the time went on. His father was immensely proud to have a son and spoke of teaching him the farm and woodcraft and the like. Matilda recovered well, and life fell back to normal, with 2 children at her feet instead of one. Joy was mesmerized by Matty, she sat and stroked his head with her hand, as he stared up at her. It wasn’t long after Matty’s arrival that Sara gave birth to a tiny baby girl. The child was sickly from the start. They did everything that they could to make her well, and in the end it was Joanna that suggested cows milk, they let the infant drink the milk and she survived. “Always a fighter… she must get that from George’s family.” Sara whispered to her brother one afternoon, she was still resting and the infant lay asleep in the bed next to her, easily within reach of Sara’s arms. “No, I am thinking she is like her mother.” He replied, kissing his sister on the forehead. They named the child Hope Marie, and the wee thing survived to be baptised at 3 weeks old along with her cousin Matty. The three children grew as time went on, and when Matty was five years old, Joy six and Hope was also five, Matilda suggested that she and Sara teach them to read and write. Joy threw herself into the task with her usual focus and decisiveness. Whereas Matty had less of a concentration span. As Joy grew she would take care of the others as natural as if she were Hope’s sister. There were other children soon following but for all of them, Joy was a delight to behold when she and Hope were together. The boys, for Matty now had 2 brothers and 2 cousins – were a mad bunch on their own, often clamouring for the attention of the girls and the mothers. Jay sat cross-legged on her bed, staring down at the letter that her mother had handed to her as she came in from school that day. It was from her father. She sighed as she read his words. Love, he wrote, was something he had shown a lot of, yet she had not shown in return. It costs a lot of money to send a child to private school and lessons on the piano. Jay rolled her eyes, she knew that her mother paid for most if not all of those things, and beyond the fact that love was something that was not money at all. In fact, money could not buy nor take love. She tossed the letter on her desk in disgust. At 17 she decided that it hurt more to think about that than she was ready to do so. She had an assignment to do anyhow. Her mother came to stand in the doorway of her room. “Was it from him?” “Yes.” “Did it say what you needed to hear?” “Not exactly.” “Ah. I’m sorry honey.” She came over and placed her arms around her daughter, “I am sure he does love you, he just doesn’t understand how to express it.” Jay nodded, she knew somewhere in her heart that her mother was right, it would never be the same, as she wanted but at some point he did care. “I know. It hurts.” With those words her mother pulled her closer and hugged her tightly. “Each generation,” she said then “has a story, every hurt that people pass along the line, started because someone else bought hurt to them. Some people learn to deal with it, and some people do not.” She tilted Jay’s head to look up at her as she said seriously “ I want you to be one of the ones who deals with it.” “I will try.” Jay replied. “I know it is a lot to ask someone at seventeen.” “Maybe, but after what we have been through…” “I know. I regret that you had to grow up during all that.” “I turned out alright.” Jay replied with a smile “Despite everything.” Later that night Jay sat again trying to make heads or tails of the letter he had sent her. She knew he was hurt, she had tried hard to be nice to him and when that had failed she reverted to pretending he wasn’t important in her life. Every kid, she thought sadly, needs her dad and every girl needs daddy. As tears flowed down her face she remembered what her mum had said about everything having its story. Her eyes flicked over to where her art folder lay in a heap near her school bag. The assignment still lingered in her mind. She hastily wiped the tears off and blew her nose in a tissue from the box on her desk “Gross.” She said aloud to herself as she lobbed the used tissue towards the bin and missed. Her project had been an interesting adventure so far. “No-one famous though, “ she muttered “just people..” She started to wonder again what made her dad the way he was. Why her mother was so nice… and yet her dad was so bitter. It didn’t make sense to her young mind. Yet she supposed her mother was correct and that it was the only thing he knew to do. Joy stood on the step watching the cart slowly make its way from the church to the cemetery nearby. Her father watched bitterly as his wife’s body made its way through the street. Matilda had died in childbirth. The child, a girl, had lived. Joy now a twelve year old stood watching as things turned from the bright Australian landscape to a dull colour as her world collapsed under the weight of the loss. Her brothers clung to her. Matty – now eleven, and William now ten stood watching as the coffin turned the corner. Joy led the way to the graveside, the Rev Quinton already waiting for the family to come. They stood in sombre silence as the coffin dropped with a soft thud to the ground. She was gone. The slow procession home, as Sara and George led the way with their brood of children also, was without David. Joy watched as her father stood by his wife’s side and waved the others away. Somehow in her twelve-year-old mind, she understood. He had lost his one true love, like in the stories that Joanna read to them at night, he was a prince without his princess. “Come along lets go.” Joy said to her brothers, as they climbed on the back of the cart to go home to the farm. “Careful now Matty, don’t get your clothes dusty.” Joy watched her Da until they were out of view. She held in her own grief and tears until they were well home, and her siblings were tucked into bed. She knew Joanna was tending the new baby- named Matilda Anne, after her mother, and so she sat in her mama’s chair and wept. She was there, asleep, when her Da came home. He was in no condition to deal with children, but somehow seeing Joy sleeping in her mother’s chair made him stop and watch her. He knew that Matilda had wanted so much to see her children raised right and married well. David, for all his anger at God and at Matilda for dying; saw the innocence of his daughter and remembered that he was now going to have to care for them as well if not better, than Matilda herself. The days passed, long at first and dark, the summer not even noticeable under their grief. The children recovered first, slowly they played and laughed again, though Joy did not join in as much and Joanna fretted that the child had lost her heart with her Mama’s death. Seasons came and went, the children grew and learnt their lessons. Joy fell into being her old self and Joanna’s fears were at rest. David tried to hide his ongoing grief from his family, and only Joy knew that her Da still wept at night for the loss of his wife. When the Collin’s family moved to a newly developed farm nearby, Joy was sixteen. Four long years since her mother passed, she would sit and pray in her mama’s chair as she had seen her mother do for so many years of her life. The Reverend Quinton still came to share his sermon on Wednesday’s and soon the neighbouring family joined – the son and mother at least – to hear his words. Joy was smitten with Joseph Collins, he was a tall boy, and strong, so her Da said to Joanna in Joy’s hearing. As it turned out, Joseph was smitten with Joy. They often sat and spoke of the things they had heard and shared lunch in the front of the house in the garden. David noticed and smiled to see his daughter happy again. The day that Joseph came to request permission to court Joy, was a strange one for David, he had distinct memories of asking the same of Matilda’s parents so many years ago. Joseph came and knocked on the door when he knew that David was home, and that Joy was not. “Come in!” David called out, having seen Joseph through the window. “Sir. I’ve come to request permission to.. “Joseph shifted his feet awkwardly when he realised just how big a thing it was he was asking. “To marry your daughter.” David looked up, he had expected this, his eyes searched the young man’s face and saw there the thing he looked for – he loved joy and that was enough. “Yes, you may have my permission. You do have to ask her though.” Little Matilda, four years old came bouncing into the room, “Joseph!” She said, her speech hesitant and she was a little less astute in learning new things, David knew it was because of her birth. “Oh hello honey.” Joseph replied immediately getting down on his knees and hugging the girl. “Look!” Matilda held up a leaf from her collection, it was brassy and beautiful. “Oh that’s lovely!” David was watching this exchange and knew his daughter had chosen well. “I hope you are happy.” He whispered to the absent Matilda, “she is a fine young woman.” Joseph and Joy were married three months later, they moved into Joseph’s parents house and lived there a while, all the time planning when they could move further south to a place named Kongwak, it was the closest named town, but Joseph had bigger plans. “There is gold Joy!” He said excitedly “we can live in Mildura and I might get a job working up there.” “Joseph, we are farmers… I don’t…” “My Da is a watch-maker, he knows a man up there.” “You are asking me to choose to leave..” “Its an adventure Joy, one we can take together.” “I know, but to leave Hope, and Da… and ..” “They will be okay, they will.” Joseph lifted her head to face him “It’s a chance Joy, one we can take to have an adventure or one we can miss and stay in this valley.” “Aye I know.” “Then pray about it ok?” Joy went the following day, on horseback to the town, and to the cemetery where she sat on the side of the grave where her mother lay buried. “Mama, what do I do? Do we go, have this adventure or do I stay and..” “Joy?” It was Hope’s voice calling from the gate. “HOPE!” Joy called delighted. Joy and Hope had been born friends, though hope was small and frail looking to Joy’s healthy appearance. “Joy I have something I want to tell you.” Hope said, as Joy arrived at the gate. “Oh what is it?” “Henry and I are going to be married.” Hope grinned as Joy stared at her. “Oh Hope! That will make us sister-in-laws!” “I know. I couldn’t be more happy, Oh joy he is so wonderful!” “I know it, I am married to his brother!” “Oh and Joseph said something about you needing an ear to listen to you.” “Oh did he?” Joy replied laughing, just like Joseph to suggest she talk to Hope. “He also told me to tell you that where you go we will go.” The decision had been made; her Da pulled her aside and begging her he asked them to take Matilda with to care for. He was sad, half a shadow of the man he once was, Joy remembered her Da as strong and brave, not this retiring old man who never slept. Joy told Joseph that same thing, as they agreed that Matilda needed to come with them. The plans went ahead as scheduled and they left on their long journey to what felt like an eternity away from where they were from. They arrived in Bunyip, two days travel from home, to visit some with Joy’s family there. Jean was especially delighted to see them, and took them to the farm where Joy’s ma had grown up. Matilda played in the yard as Jean served tea. William Owens, her Da was also there and they spoke some of how it was that Matilda’s death had shaken Katie to the core, she had become ill herself and passed the following year. Joy had heard from her Da that her grandmother had died, but didn’t know just how much of a hole that left. Will Owens had aged, losing his wife had made him ponder life more and he had come back to the faith he grew up with. He told Joy of Katie’s family in Scotland, though now without Katie, much of the story seemed lost and forgotten. Distant and so long ago. Joseph met with the approval of the family, yet was happy to be on the road heading for Mildura in the north west of Victoria. The long trails seemed well trodden. As it was Mildura made a fine home, and as time went on Hope and Henry joined them. The year that Australia became a federation, 1901, was a year of fantastic celebration, the surge of national pride came with a rush that blew like the dusty wind from the goldfields to the city. It was good to belong in this country. For Joy and Joseph it was a year of glorious celebration as their lives and livelihood became well entrenched in the community, Joseph opened a small watch making business, having learnt from his father before they started the farm in Kongwak. Their home, children and life were a happy one. Joy constantly wrote with her father and kept in touch, hearing of her brothers, their new wives and the like. How Matty had taken over the house as his own and how her Da had built another smaller place, in order to give Matty and his bride room. All in all, life walked with the pace life does when one is enjoying it, and they were content. The years rolled by, children were born and Joy was happy being mother to her brood. Joseph was restless as the new century dawned; he had joined the fledgling Australian Army, convinced that although his family was safe his country may not be. His brother, Hope's beloved husband soon joined him. He was right and in August 1914 they went to war. It was something that Joy had most dreaded when Joseph had joined up, and faced with the prospect of a long time apart she had prayed that the echoes and rumors were unfounded. However, time drifted and Joseph and Henry were sent away. A day like no other, she thought as she sat gazing outside at the reflected light of the dawn on the shed. He had been gone for 3 months his army unit moving faster than his weekly letters. She knew that her 7yr old son, the youngest of her 3 boys, lay awake in his darkened room. Heroically praying for his Da to come home of all the children he felt it the most, missed him the most. Yet everyday someone received a dreaded telegram. Joy stared lost in thought wondering if today was her turn. Not only her husband but also her two brothers had gone to fight the war. Her father had said he too would have gone, had he not have been tending to the farm. With a heavy heart Joy had to acknowledge things had changed. They kept busy, making bandages they hoped never to use, learning to nurse and indeed hosting several injured soldiers. Time dragged on for Joy, mostly without hearing from the soldiers at the front lines weekly letters turning to monthly ones and sometimes every two months. She prayed but felt little hope of the two of the Collin’s brothers coming back alive. She heard from her Da that her brothers were well, that Matty had been sent home injured but was recovering. She sat and wrote a letter to her aunt Jean, who was still in Bunyip on the original family farm there, having buried her father; she was alone in the house. One of the soldiers had the name of St Clare, and Joy remembered just vaguely that her grandmother had been born into a family of that name. Joy was eager to know if they might be related, but did not hold her breath. It took a long time for them to receive the reply from Jean, the postal service not being what it used to, and young men desperately signing up. The young soldier returned to the front, and wrote of his gratitude for their care, Joy suspected that the young man was not going to it home from the war and her heart hurt for his mother and family. Joy constantly watched her boys like a hawk, her eyes darted to each of them as if worried they would try, as a friends son had, to join up. The cut of age was 18 but it was well known that many boys were signing up well under that age, even though the army frowned on it. Her eldest daughter Maria sat with her daily folding bandages and the like, as her three sons, the youngest constantly near, tried their best to run the store that their father had left to join the army. Her eldest son Joseph was able to make clocks and watches, and jewelry. They did their best without their father around, and with rations, like her mother before her Joy was a great gardener and enjoyed the pleasure of growing vegetables for her family. Hope was nearby and they often combined their rations and made cake or pudding for their family. It had been over a month since Joseph’s last letter, which she carried in her apron pocket, taking small relief from his handwriting. She stared as the sun rose on the fence, always up early to watch it and pray for his return. “Come home to me Joseph” she whispered to the clouds. “I need you back here.” The sun continued its arrival silently, no answer echoing across the yard. Joy sighed and proceeded with the daily tasks. Everything now having a place and a purpose as the morning ritual faded to the back of her mind. Throughout the day she saw the cars arrive in town carrying the wounded men home. Her heart skipped a beat with each uniform and slouch hat that stepped from the car. “Auntie!” Hope’s son Gabriel came racing into the yard as fast as his young legs could carry him, it was late evening, and Joy was in the garden. “AUNTIE!” His cry was frantic, as he waved at her. Maria looked up from beside her mother, frowning at her cousin for his ill manners. “Auntie,” Gabriel gasped out as his breath came slowly back to normal, “Its mamma she...” Joy didn’t hear the rest; she gave instructions to Maria to continue to prepare the food, and double the quantity for Hopes family. She dropped everything and ran to be with her friend. Joy found her slumped and weeping on the floor of her kitchen. A telegram lay on the table. Smudged ink told Joy it as the source of the grief. She lifted and read the words. Henry Collins killed in action. That was all, simple and yet glaringly harsh. Hope was devastated Joy knew, it was not the news that she had wanted to hear. Joys heart leapt, her thoughts going to her husband, who was in the same regiment as Henry. “Oh Hope!” She comforted her cousin and friend, holding her while grief came out in loud gasping sobs. Hope wept as she joined the growing list of women who’s husbands and sons were never returning home. The hollow months followed, Hope finally giving up and returning to her parents farm with her children. “I am not able to do it without him.” She explained as she said goodbye to Joy, “I know you want to wait for Joseph to come home, and I will keep on praying that he does. I know it is hard… I…” her tears and grief were still raw and numbing. The family packed up their home and left. Joseph wrote a letter to Joy about Henry’s death, though it contained little comfort for her or for the long months ahead. He explained that Henry had died saving another man. Brave in living, he wrote of his brother, and noble in death. Joy gathered her children together daily to pray for their father’s safe return, it was a sad thing as the days and months passed on and Joy found that even her heart and faith were failing. He arrived in Mildura unannounced. No letter went before him, and no call came through to the post office. A soldier arrived from the train, limping with a cane he came into the shop, his had pulled low over his face. Yet to Joy there was a familiar way about him, a strange feeling pulled at her heart. “Joseph?” she whispered, daring to hope just a little. The soldier lifted his hand off his cane to remove his hat. There was Joseph, weary and battle scared. Wounded. “Joy” Joseph gasped, joy mingled with the deep sense of having seen the worst of the world. He stared as though staring at an angel. She rushed to his side. “Joseph!” They hugged, an embrace that lasted a long moment before she stepped back. “Oh but you are hurt… Come..” she led the way to the house, in the rear of the shop. As she led the way her heart ached, she knew that she would have given just about anything for Hope to have the same reunion. The death of Henry had hit the family hard, and she could see already the loss was written on Joseph’s face. It was July of 1916, the war was still going, but Joseph was home. Wounded beyond the scope of his ability to serve his country. Sent home to recover. Joy secretly hoped he would not completely heal in time to be sent back to the war. The war continued on for another two years, ending in 1918, with treaties signed the enemy was contained. For Joy the end of the war came as a relief, her husband had never been the same since returning, he was quieter, moodier, unable to talk to her as he once had. He was also sickly, having caught some strange illness whilst overseas. They battled on through the years, each one slowly catching up with them. In early 1920, Joy was told she was pregnant. It was so unexpected that she almost fainted at the news. She felt she was not prepared to have another child, whilst caring for Joseph. She carefully told him the news. It seemed to lift his spirits some to hear it, and so gradually Joy warmed to the pregnancy and it progressed well; Joy was strong and healthy and the doctors did not think there would be any complications with the child. She continued to run the shop, although there was now a little slowing in customers. The baby was born in October, a baby girl. She had brown hair and was peaceful. Reminding Joy of her sister Matilda, now married and having children of her own having moved back to where Jean had the family farm to care for her aunt, her husband delighted at the idea. The girl they named, as many in the family had been named before, Katherine Esther. Joseph would carry her with him around the place as he could and he took to calling her Estie, she grew up spoiled, as her siblings were so much older. Joy was concerned for the child, because the world around them was changing. Jay handed in her assignment, knowing it wasn’t quite finished. She told her teacher the story of her working on it, and her teacher suggested that it would never be finished. Her art work was a self-portrait, but one that was half styled to look like the pioneers, with a landscape of paddocks and cows behind it, and a ship with full sails in the distance, the other was herself, the background was her room at home. She showed the work to her mother, who gasped over it in awe. “Wow Jay this is fantastic!” “I wish Dad was interested.” Jay said, not really thinking through the idea. “Oh... Honey I am sure he is.” “She isn’t.” Jay muttered as she placed her final art into the carrying bag. Her mother was a fantastic woman, someone her stepmother never liked or cared to meet. Never had Jay heard her mother say a bad thing about her Dad, even though she sensed the deep hurt he had caused her. Jay had an older brother as well, but she didn’t see him much, he sometimes came for Christmas but hadn’t been in a very long time. To her it meant he didn’t make the effort to see them, or that he simply didn’t see them as important. They were sitting, watching television as Jay poured over university applications. “What’s that?” Her mother asked, peering over her shoulder from the lounge. “The applications.” Jay replied. Her mother nodded, she had encouraged her daughter to go for whatever course she wanted to do. She knew that she was involved in the church youth program and was keen to study somewhere that offered a course in that same thing – to help other kids Jay had said. “This one sounds good.” She waved the application towards her mum. “It’s a Christian university, they offer a lot of different courses, and even a Diploma in Youth Ministry.” “You need to follow your heart, go where you think you ought to. Apply for a few however, and see what comes about.” “Graduation is in a month or so, I need to have it sorted by then.” Jay replied absently as she filled in the application. “Jay, just follow your heart.” Her mum repeated. Esther stood with a wrinkled nose staring into her closet. She was 14 years old, and nothing of what she owned said that much. Her mother came into the room with a pile of folded clothing. “What is wrong Estie?” She asked her daughter as she moved about putting away clothes. “Oh nothing.” Esther replied “Just that I don’t have anything to wear to the dance at the church tomorrow night.” “Yes you do, your dress.” Her mother pulled a dress from the closet. “Oh I guess.” “It isn’t good enough?” Esther knew that her mother had done all she could to get the dress in the first place, and yet try as she might to squash the dreams of fairy tale dresses and handsome princes she could not. “It will do Mama.” She replied again, keeping her dreams to herself. “She is dreaming of big things again Ma.” Maria said snidely as she walked past. “Ahhh...” Her mother, Joy, smiled, Esther was a lot younger than her siblings, and she had her imagination as a constant friend. “Estie, you are a princess, no matter what you wear… even this.” Joy lifted a dull old housedress from the pile as she hung it in the closet.. “Aw Mama you are funny.” Esther replied smiling, she was a good girl just terribly aware of how little they owned. Her Father had been ill, they all told her repeatedly, since before she was born. Money had been tight too. Lately her father had been even sicker, and she would go and read to him for his eyes hurt too much to read. She read everything she could get her hands on and delighted in sharing her love with him. Her mother went to visit the doctor the next day, the doctor had become a friend of the family as he had stopped to visit so often. Today as she returned, she was pale and worried. “Mama….” Esther started to ask. “Not right now Estie…” her mother said in a short manner. “Mama, are you okay?” Esther persisted. “Oh honey…” her mother hugged Esther tight. “The doctor?” “He said your Da is gravely ill and that nothing will help, except maybe moving to the coast.” “Move!” Esther gasped, startled. “Yes dear one, I am sorry, I know you were looking forward to school here.” Esther stopped her thoughts from racing, and focused in on the one her mother wanted to hear. “Whatever Dad needs to do, I will do, don’t worry about me.” “Your brothers and sister isn’t going to be happy either.” Her mother continued. “Mama, we need to do whatever is good for Dad.” Esther surprised herself by repeating. “We will all adjust.” “Well, I need to tell him, will you help me?” Esther nodded, racing to fetch a map book. Her mother was finishing telling her father the news of the impending move as she came to the room where he spent most of his day. “Ah hello princess.” He greeted her with a smile. “Dad” Esther grinned; she loved being called his princess. “Here is the map book ma.” They poured over the map book, suddenly Joseph lifted his hand and pointed to a place called Albany. “We will move there.” He said. “Oh Joseph, its such a long way!” “We can start new Ma…” Esther smiled; she was doing her best to be happy about this. The family, packed up their home and business, and sold them. Pouring themselves into the car to drive the many miles to Albany in the southern part of Western Australia. They arrived in late spring, to a well-established town and found a place to live. Albany was a beautiful southern coastal town, with a strong whaling industry and churches and schools for the children. They all studied hard, none so hard as Esther as she threw herself into study and the social climate of school. Years passed and at 18 she stood with pride as she showed her parents the acceptance letter to the nursing school. “Mama, this is just perfect. I can work… and…” Esther said hurriedly, afraid her parents would say no. Her mother smiled at her, and nodded as her father lifted his head from the newspaper he was reading. “Estie, of course… just thinking of how you have cared for me over the years… you will make a perfect nurse!” So it was that Esther went off to nursing school. At first the adventure was overwhelming but soon life settled into a routine of working and study. It was a dark night, Esther scurried through the streets to church, and dropping her keys on the ground under a light she looked up through her fringe. There he stood. His blonde hair shining like a halo around his face. He was talking to his friend, a tall man with brown hair. “Esther!” Her friend called from the door of the Church building “Come on in or you will be late.” Forgetting about the man she grabbed her keys from where she had dropped them and hurried into the building. The meeting that night was wonderful, and she skipped back to the dormitories with her friend, the man and his blonde halo far from her mind. Work went and came as usual. Until one day she again was heading to a service at the church. There he stood on the steps speaking with the pastor, she remembered how he had looked at her and it sent shivers up her spine. “Esther” The pastor called warmly, “This is Eli, he is from…” he trailed off and looked at the man who replied with a thick American accent, “I am from Norway.” Norway? Esther wondered where that was; trying to recall the days she had studied geography. Was it a part of America? “Eli is new in town, he arrived a month ago from Adelaide.” The pastor paused as he was retelling it and looked enquiringly at Eli, who nodded. “I arrived from my ship in Adelaide, and had heard about Fremantle… I was heading there. My friend wanted to stop in here.” “Anyhow, I was hoping you would be able to show him around. Just a little, with that young brother of yours…” “He has gone away to the eastern states,” Esther replied quietly. “Ahhh then perhaps I should ask David.” The pastor began to look around and Eli smiled at Esther. “Nice to meet you Esther.” The way he said his words made her smile and blush. He was a nice man, and her parents would never approve. As time went on, however, Eli stopped in to see her on a regular basis at the dormitory. Esther knew that she had a deep liking for the young man and he for her. He was about 10 years older than her and so it was the day she turned 20, he collected her from her dorm and took her walking along the shore. He proposed to her, in the moonlight by the shore, asking simply that she would be his wife. She was graduating her nursing course in a few months, and everything seemed just perfect. She agreed. Eli came to meet her family, the following Sunday after church. Her father looked at him and returned to reading. Her mother played hostess and seemed to like the young man. When Eli left to go home, her father mentioned that he seemed a bit seedy. “I mean, where are his family?” “Norway.” Esther replied. “Oh a sailor. That’s not good Estie, he will always be moving around.” “Then I will go with him.” Something in her defiance made Joy place her hand on Joseph’s shoulder, something in Estie clicked with Joy’s memory of her mother, the stubbornness and attitude. The tilt of her head, all too familiar, Joy knew. Esther had decided and decided well ahead of this time that she would marry the man she had bought home. “What is his name Estie?” she asked instead, of allowing the questions to continue. “Eli Anders.” “That’s a nice enough name.” She smiled, carefully leading her daughter from the room. “When did he ask you to marry him?” “A few weeks ago.” “I thought so.” “Oh Mama I love him. I first saw him in the lamplight by the church, and then the pastor thought that Dan was still here and then….” “He goes to Church?” “Yes mama.” “That is good.” Her mother sounded worried, Esther knew that marriage to a man she had known only a few months was something her mother could hardly fathom. The war had changed the world, and Esther wondered why her home was still caught in the past. Work was hard; Esther was glad of the breaks and often read her Bible. Eli sometimes topped by for lunch and that time was precious to them both. They quietly planned their wedding, and so it came about in 1945 that Eli married his beloved Esther. Eli told Esther what had first drawn him to her, he described standing in the lamp-light with his friend, and seeing Esther drop her keys. He had looked at her and decided then and there that she was the girl he wanted to marry. Eli bought a small property, without electricity and without water, Esther’s parents tut tutted at the rude accommodation, but Esther was happy. She had waited a long while to have a home of her own, and she was delighted to make it with Eli. For Eli’s part he drove a horse drawn cart delivering milk for the local dairy. They upgraded to a truck and Eli had to get his licence. Obscure years passed by, Australia regained its economic footing and began to flourish again, and in the fifties, life was good. Esther had three young children and the oldest; Simon was in school, when Eli came home to tell her he had been offered a better job. Esther was washing dishes as the end of the day approached, dinner was cooking on the stove and she tried her best to manage the three children. She knew without a doubt that she was pregnant again, and she sighed. “Estie?” Eli called as he came in the door. “In the kitchen.” Esther replied softly. “ Ah…” He placed his arms around her and hugged her tight. “I missed you today. He whispered just out of the hearing of the children and then he stood back, and sat down as she made his coffee.“ I was offered a job.” Esther poured the coffee and sat with him “What doing?” “Working on the train line.” “I see. And?” “And it means moving.” “Ahhhhhhh.” Esther sighed she had just planted the garden again, ready for the next years harvest. “I know Estie, it’s a change and you were happy here… and…” Eli’s words hurried out of his mouth as Esther decided that they needed to do what he suggested. “Home, my love, is where you are.” “Do you mean that or?” “I mean it. We will make it work.” Simon came into the room to greet his father; he heard the last of the conversation. “Oh no, mama!” Simon gasped before placing his hands over his mouth to stop himself. He knew moving meant that he would have to change schools. “Simon,” his mother cautioned, in a tone that said don’t start. “Call your sisters in.” Simon was muttering to himself as he fetched his sisters from where they were playing, they followed him obediently into the kitchen. “Josephine, Mary,” Esther began, “ we are going to be moving house.” “Ma!” Josephine, or Jose as they all called her was the first to start, but instead of a whine she said, “What does that mean for us?” “We get to have an adventure.” “I would like that.” Mary, the quieter one replied. “Good.” Eli smiled at his children and wife. “I will take the job.” The following weeks and months were pleasantly spent packing and cleaning the small house they had built. Eli got his first posting with the government owned railways to serve in a small town called Bickley. The children were content to go to school there, and it was there that Esther had her last infant, a baby girl she named Grace. Eli found himself spending a lot of time away from his family, something he regretted but felt he must do. Life was not easy, and though they had little, the family stayed as happy as they could. Jay leant over the document with careful eyes; she could hardly believe what she was reading. The college had accepted her. “What is that Hon?” Her mother came into the room; Jay looked up and waved the letter excitedly. “They accepted me!” “Like they wouldn’t, you are a fantastic prize. Who accepted you?” Her mother laughed, she delighted to see her daughter so happy. “The Christian place, the one in Sydney.” Jay replied. “Ah I see.” Her mother’s smile lessened a little. “That means you will be leaving me soon.” “Oh mum!” Jay gasped, “I am never going to leave- well I might not be here but my heart will always come back here.” “I know, its just.. I saw Damien grow up, and you…” she paused “you’re my baby, and I just never thought you would be leaving to go anywhere.” “It is only Sydney, I am not flying to London.” Jay replied smiling. “I know. And we shall make sure you get there too. There is a lot to plan, do you know when you have to be there?” “Registration is in January.” Jay replied reading the rest of the letter, “And I have a place at the student housing.” “Leaving home is a big deal isn’t it?” Jay asked then looking up at her mother. “It can be, yes.” “Do you think I will do okay over there?” “You will be fine sweetheart.” Jay’s mum replied, trying to ease her daughter’s fear that threatened to tarnish her excitement. Jay sat with her computer open later, trying to compose a letter of reply – accepting the offer; in another window she was looking for airplane tickets. It all felt surreal, she could not begin to fathom the leaving. It seemed that this would be the first of many. She didn’t know anyone in Sydney, and she didn’t have anyone to visit over there either. The student house, she hoped, would be her one place over there. Jose sat on the edge of her bed staring at the other side of the room. She hated sharing with her sisters, but to have to endure their messiness was another thing altogether. She was 14, one year from having her leaving certificate, one year from moving into a career path she wanted desperately to take. She remembered her mum nursing, and she wanted to follow in her footsteps. She stared at the room in disdain, she loved her sisters but they were far from neat. While she liked school she would often find herself day dreaming of life beyond it, of a handsome man she would marry and of her children. She day dreamed, and often at the wrong time. She loved science, knowing that it was that she wanted to do the most – not to study science as such but to be a nurse. It helped that the nursing school accepted 16 yr olds as students, and had a hostel away from home. Anything, Jose decided then, was better than sharing with her sisters. “Jose!” Her mother called from the kitchen where she was peeling potatoes, “Come and help me please!” Sometimes it didn’t help that her part of the room was clean, sometimes it meant that she did more chores while the other girls stayed and cleaned. Not that they didn’t do chores, she corrected herself mentally, but they seemed to do less. Jose placed her school bag on the floor by the end of the bed and threw another look at the other half of the room. Well it was really two thirds because the three of them shared a room, but really it was a half mess that drove her nuts. “Mum, what do you think of me going to nursing school?” “You should finish high school, pass me that pan.” Her mother continued preparing dinner. “But I want to be like you are.” Jose replied, “You are amazing.” “Oh Jose.” Her mother sighed, “I went to nursing school because I had very little choice.” “Yes but I want to go.” Her mother turned and studied her daughters face, she knew that Jose had struggled with school and always following in her sisters footsteps, and battled feeling abandoned at times by teachers who constantly compared her to those who went before. “It isn’t because of your sisters is it?” she asked finally. “No, I really just want to do nursing.” Jose said, turning to take the cutlery to the table. “Jose?” Her mother said, in a tone that was well, not worth lying to. “Its partly because I want to be alone for once, and partly and mostly because I want to be a nurse.” Jose replied, finally tarnishing the truth enough to make it look good. How do you tell your parents you want to leave when that just isn’t done? “Your feeling crowded?” Her mother turned her attention from placing the food in the pot on the stove. “Well there is three of us crammed into a room, and its not like…” Jose changed her mind about saying her sisters were driving her nuts with their mess. “Its not like?” her mother pursued. “I like a clean room, I hate the mess.” Jose replied, annoyed that her mother insisted she tell her the truth in its whole absolute and snobbish reality. “Oh Jose… they will grow out of it.” “Maria is older than me.” Jose pointed out “This is true, but Gracie, she will.” Her mother smiled “But you need to talk to your father about nursing school you know.” Jose nodded, the part she dreaded the most, her dad wanted her to stay a child forever. It wasn’t that he didn’t want his daughters to grow up, but rather that he had not accepted that they had done so whilst he had been absent from the house. He adored his family, and his son was his pride and joy. Simon did his best to make his dad proud, he was working already and the money helped the family a lot. Jose was determined and she fought her teachers to make the recommendations she needed to go to nursing school. She waited for them before approaching her father. “Dad can we talk?” She asked when he had been home a few days from being away working. “Yes Jose, what is it?” He asked, taking his reading glasses off and placing them down so he could look at her properly and give her all of his attention. “Well, I want to go to nursing school.” “When you finished school?” “Well, Dad, “ Jose tried to read the expression on his face. “I was hoping to finish with a junior certificate and go straight to nursing school. They have a younger intake.” Her Dad stopped a moment, and carefully studied her face. Jose felt herself staring at the floor. “Is this what you want to do with your life?” “I think so I am about as sure as Maria is that she wants to teach, or Gracie is that she wants to go further in school.” Jose paused and stared at her feet some more; her nerves and fear of being told no crept like a blush to her face. “If that is what you want Jose, why would we stop you following your dream?” he asked, “Have you spoken to your mother?” Jose nodded. She knew that he had already spoken to her about it, and that the words he was saying were things her mother had suggested. “What do we need to do to help you get there?” “I need you to contact the hospital where they have the nursing school.” Jose looked up “They only take younger students if their parents agree.” “That is okay, and your mother and I do agree. It just might be the thing for you, but it must be what you want.” Jose continued with her chores, and every now and then thought on what her father had said about it being what she wanted to do with her life. She knew it was more serious than anything she had ever done before. It was leaving home, after all was said and done. School the next day was long and dragging. Her teachers were impatient and as she waited for the English teacher after class she wondered why she bothered. “Josephine?” The teacher stood at his desk as he called her up. “I have the letter here that will let you go on to the nursing school next year. However, I need you to do some extra work to catch up enough so I can approve it.” He showed her the document in question, and she sighed. “What do you want me to do?” “A short story, at the very least, something neatly written and well structured. Look” He held up an essay Maria had handed in the week before, Jose sighed, she had to get her sister to help her again. “Okay I will do my best.” “JOSE!” Someone called across the car park. It sounded like Simon. Jose smiled and thanked the teacher and fled. She hated English; saw little point in the exercise. She loved to write and make up stories but seldom were they well structured or grammatically correct. They were just fun. Simon stood leaning on the gate waiting for her as she came out to the car park. “Jose?” he called squinting at her in the distance. “Hi Simon, why are you here?” “Thought my favourite little sister could use a ride home,” he paused for effect before waving to a small red car “In my new car!” “Oh Simon, its nice!” “Needs a little work, but it goes well. You should learn to drive sometime.” Jose shook her head, it was all she could do to stop herself laughing at the thought, and Simon had only gotten his license a few months before. “Want an ice-cream on the way home?” He asked as he got into the drivers seat after helping her into the other side. “Sure why not.” Jose wanted to delay her homework for a while longer. She liked Simon; they got along better than she got along with her sisters. She was never compared to him and he didn’t compare her to them. He just called her his favourite sister when they were alone together and made her feel special. Simon drove in silence, Jose reflecting on her homework some more, she could very easily just write a short story and then get Maria to help her with it. “So what flavour ice-cream shall we have?” Simon asked as he stopped the car at the deli, “want to come inside and choose one?” Simon’s only failing was in treating her like a child. Though Jose sometimes did not mind that, and yet it niggled her today for some reason. “Yes I will come in.” She replied then, sliding out of the car and joining him on the footpath. The shop was small and quaint; it had every reason to exist in the tiny town it served as post office and general store, but carried very little in range and choice. However it was the only place to buy an ice cream. Simon led the way and peered into the ice-cream counters display. “Oooooh how about chocolate?” He asked pointing to a particularly nice looking chocolate flavoured one. Jose nodded, chocolate would be fine. Simon paid for the ice cream and led the way back outside, they sat on a bench to eat them. “So Dad said you are gong to apply for nursing school?” Simon asked between licking and eating the ice cream. Jose nodded, afraid that the conversation might turn to trying to convince her to finish her senior certificate at school. “Well,” Simon replied, “I think it’s wonderful. It will be good for you to get away from home and” he paused and punched her gently on the arm “Grow up a bit.” Jose was surprised, how on earth had this happened, she knew that Simon had been her friend for a long time – they had played cowboys and Indians as children, until they got into trouble for shooting real arrows at the other girls. Jose knew that he was right, it would mean growing up. “Is it hard?” she asked, completing the thought out loud. “What’s that?” Simon replied “Growing up.” “Yes in a way it is hard. I guess. I am hardly the expert, lets face it, I still eat ice cream and get it all over me.” He said as a drip dropped onto his shirt. Jose laughed at him, “Gee you are a mess.” “Thanks sis.” Simon replied with a roll of his eyes. Looking up suddenly he, gestured towards the sky as it darkened in the distance. “Looks like we are in for a storm tonight.” “Yeah, great.” Jose sounded despondent. “That means being trapped inside with… well with them.” “Maybe you can get away a bit, and do your work at the table.” “How did you know I had homework?” Jose frowned “The teacher kept you after class.” Simon laughed, “I’ve been there before little sis, and I know what it is they want.” “Then do my work for me.” Jose replied, half hopeful. “Oh no little girl” Simon said in an evil sounding voice “You have to do your own work, tis your punishment.” Jose laughed at his silliness and leant back on the bench. “I wish I didn’t have to do it. I wish I could just start nursing school now.” Simon shook his head, “Oh Jose, don’t hurry it all along too much, nursing school will be its own problems and challenges.” Jose shrugged, it was easy for him to say, he was already free of everyone at home to some extent. “Well Jose girl, lets get you home.” With that Simon hurried her into the car and drove her home, they sat a few minutes in silence as Simon turned off the engine. “Jose,” he said a few minutes later in a very serious tone. “What?” “Just follow your heart, don’t let people convince you to do things you don’t want to do.” “Okay.” Jose mentally shrugged, and was startled as he grabbed her arm and turned her around to face him. “I am serious Jose, this world isn’t as safe as it seems.” He scared her now, as she pulled away “Simon don’t, your hurting my arm.” “Just promise that if you get into any trouble you will come to me.” “Okay. Don’t worry about me, I get it.” She tried to focus that night, on the assignment that the English teacher had given her, but her mind was already on how great it would be to not live at home. She turned 15 in a few months and that would be that, she would be old enough. The months dragged for Jose, it didn’t seem possible that she could be leaving. Maria complained that she had to still share a room with Grace. Jose slid the last piece of clothing into a suitcase and her heart grew lighter. She felt terrified suddenly, she wouldn’t have the rules, the ideals and the love around her, in a sense she knew it was never going to be the same again but she did not want to face the prospect of growing up. However as her dad lifted her case into the boot of the car she felt it lift again, and the excitement returned. What a journey lay ahead, what an adventure. She hoped she could survive the rollercoaster. Jay sat and sighed as she sorted the photos she planned to take. “I want to take them all Mum, I don’t want to forget anything…” “You wont forget sweetheart, and they will always be here when you come home.” Her mum picked up a photo of Jay as an infant, and smiled. “Oh I remember that.” “I don’t…” “Well I don’t expect you would,” Her mother laughed as Jay scrunched her nose up pretending to try to remember. “Ah you were such a gentle child.” “Gentle?” Jay replied, amused at the description. “Well, quiet and well behaved.” “Umm I wonder what happened!” Jay said as she slid the photo into the small album she was putting together, she didn’t know wether she would need it, but at least to remember today. Something of her story in here, she knew that would help her feel more like a person when she arrived in Sydney. “What about this one?” her mother lifted the only photo that Jay had of her father. “I don’t know…” Jay replied with a sigh, she knew that she had a pang as she stared at it, and that somehow she needed to tell him she was leaving the state. “He is still your dad sweetheart, whatever he does and doesn’t do.” “I know, I just …” Jay sighed trying to push away the thoughts that tumbled down on her. “Its hard to fathom isn’t it?” Her mum replied placing an arm around her shoulders. “Yeah, I don’t know what to think or feel about him.” Jay replied leaning into the hug. “Oh my.” Jay’s mum pulled a faded photo out of the pile; “This is me when I was a bit older than you, just before I met your dad!” “Mum you look alright.” Jay replied giggling. “Yes I know, but it was the 70’s you know, Ahhh those were the days, disco dancing and funky music.” Her mum’s eyes drifted as she remembered. “Oh mum you are such an old thing.” Jay teased, “Disco has been out of style so long it’s almost back in.” “I know, I saw a mini skirt or two the other day, I was shocked, they were not that good when they were first in.” “History huh, Mum?” “Yeah but good stuff too, like you, your part of my history I would never change.” Jay smiled; it was good to be loved, even if the person you wanted to say those words never said it. He might not even notice that his daughter just wanted his unconditional love, but she left it there fearing that if she thought on that too hard it would be too much for her to deal with, especially with leaving so soon. Jay picked up a photo of her brother and herself on her first day of school. “Oh my, is this like, the only photo of us together as kids?” “Something like that.” Her mum replied smiling, “ It was such a strange thing to get Damien to pose for a picture, he hated it.” “Oh that’s a shame, I don’t have a lot of him.” Jay replied, her tone edged with regret. She had always longed to have a close family. Where most of her friends thought she was an only child she knew that her brother had once belonged with them. But then, so had her father. Two months and she would be on a plane. Soon her world would be a completely different one and she would be making her own history. Soon her past would be nothing compared to the here and now. She lifted her year book and sat it on her knee, she stared at the faces of people she had barely known and sighed, it was all over too soon, should she have done more, said more or tried harder to be someone’s friend, instead of keeping to herself. She did not know, but resolved that things would change when she went to Sydney. Damien twisted away and ran screaming down the hall, he ran straight into the now closed door of his sibling’s room to be. Jose just saw blood. She didn’t stop to find out what had happened as she swept past James who was standing in shock at the start of the hall. “James, get the car.” She said holding a towel over the gushing wound. Damien was now woozy as she carried him to the car; mumbling incoherently about not wanting a baby in the house. The doctor stitched the wound on Damien’s head, and kept glancing at Jose “Is everything okay at home?” he asked, staring at her carefully. “Oh its fine. He was running in the house.” Jose explained as she held her son as he squirmed under the doctor’s needle. “Okay then.” The doctor continued, “Jose, if something was wrong you could tell me.” He had been their family doctor for a long time, Jose just nodded, “I know and I would, but there isn’t so just fix up my boy… “ “He is all done.” The doctor replied turning the six year olds head into the image of a mummy, carefully wrapping with a bandage. “No more running young man, at least not inside the house.” He wagged his finger but reached into his pocket for a jelly baby, which bought an instant smile to the child’s face. “Now Jose, just bring him back in a week and we will fix those stiches up. When is the next one due?” “In six months.” Jose said, her tone one of reassurance because she knew that the doctor had not accepted her claim that everything was fine. “Well you keep an eye on young Damien, and keep on resting like I said. James should take good care of you.” The doctor gave one final admonishment. Jose led her son from the clinic and to his father waiting now in the car. Jose didn’t ask what had happened, she figured it hadn’t been James fault this time. Damien was a regular bear with his sore head, and so life degenerated fast for Jose at least, while James was home Damien was an angel. Jose didn’t mind so much, except as the pregnancy went on, she grew tired more easily and started to find things were not quite the same as they had been with Damien. The child would come into the world when she wanted, Jose knew, and at eight months pregnant she decided that it was time to pack a bag for the hospital in case anything happened. It was her plan to be prepared. Summer was hot, and February 1979 was no exception, and so it was that Jose knew the child would come on the hottest day of the year. The heat was exceptional as James drove her to the hospital; Damien had been left in the care of James’ mother who lived not far from them. He had been cross and tired also because of the heat, and he didn’t understand why his parents left him behind. Yet it was Grandma who had a freezer full of ice-cream, and not just ice-cream but chocolate ice-cream. So it was that Jayne Anne as born. She was a tiny child, and the nursing staff were concerned for her, the hospital was a little cooler than the rest of the city, but they still did not really know how to handle the heat. James was delighted. The pink nursery having been his inspiration, and passion the last few months, he had a daughter at last. Jose hoped that this time, James would participate in the child’s infant years and be committed to the marriage. Jose prayed that the girl would grow up and be strong and healthy. The hospital kept them both longer than expected, Jose seemed to need the rest and coming home was an event. James made sure everything was perfectly in order, and in no time at all little Jayne was laid in her crib and sound asleep. Proudly watched by her mother and father, and curious older brother. Jay sat in the lounge at the airport, her ticket in her bag and her boarding pass ready to go. Her father had not come to say goodbye, part of her seemed relieved while the other part just wanted him to care. This was the biggest adventure in her life. She just wished he was there. Seventeen years had passed, since, as her mother told her she came home from the hospital and was protectively watched over by Damien. Time under the bridge she knew. Jay fidgeted. The time to be at the airport had seemed inappropriately long, she was sure. Her brother had not called either, though he knew she was leaving. Slowly it dawned on her how much this meant to her, but how little it meant to anyone else. Except her mother of course, her mother had always stood by her. Even after she had left the house. Jose heard him cuss as he stood in the corner, she didn’t know what to do. She thought about leaving but that meant leaving her children too. Her internal dialogue had gone on like this for several weeks. Her Damien was now eleven, and Jayne was six, both in school. Jose knew their father loved them, and that his anger was only ever directed at her. He had lost it, whatever it was that kept them together. He had broken the vows they made as young things, and destroying the love and trust she had in him. She sat crying night after night as he sat in the corner away from her. They never argued in front of the children. She never gave a thought that they knew. Jayne she knew was not old enough to understand what was going on. Damien probably thought it was his fault. They had argued over them in the past, who was responsible for them and the like. James threatening to hit one or other for something neither of them did. Then came the night like no other. With steely resolve Jose thought she had to remove the problem from the home, and she packed a bag of clothing and things, a few photos to remind herself of her children. As the case clicked closed, and the lights of the taxi pulled up outside, she took a deep sigh and lifting her head she walked from the room to the door and out into the night, leaving it all behind. Jay’s flight number had been read out and passengers with children and the elderly were boarding the plane. A minister whom her minister knew was meeting her at the other end. It was complex enough that she had to wait for it to happen before she really understood it all. Her mother ran across the waiting area calling her name. “OH HONEY!” She gasped, “ I almost missed you!” Jay smiled at her, she had very rarely ever missed her, and so she hugged her other tightly. “Say bye to Damien for me… and if you speak to dad…” she trailed off; it was not going to be a happy ending. “Go honey,” her mother said kissing her forehead “Your life and adventure awaits.” The boarding call came over for real this time, the voice sounding desperate to get under way. “Bye mum… I will call you when I get to where I am going.” Jay, swallowed her fear of the future and walked down the gangway to the plane, only when firmly enclosed in her seat did she let herself think of the things she was going to miss. The air craft took off, as Jay experienced what she always knew she would have – she was terrified of take off, and she dreaded the thought of landing. The safety message she payed close attention too, especially where the exits were. She tried to focus on the rest of it but lost herself in a train of thought. The reason her dad and her never really got together, they never agreed on anything was a woman. Jay hated to admit that because she didn’t begrudge her dad the happiness, but the woman had come between them the whole time. It had started when her mum walked out the door. Jay didn’t really understand all that, she knew her mum had left and that she felt the hurt. Distant memories flooded back as she sat back into the seat on the plane, staring out the dark window at the lights as they fluttered away when the plane lifted off. She had been seven when her dad had remarried, six when her mum had left. A very young six, she had been Daddy’s girl since she was born, and also her Mama’s pet too. She was a delightful child, full of joy and happiness, but Jay did not remember any of that. She remembered her mother leaving. The door closing firmly behind her and she recalled how she had crumpled to the ground in tears, convinced that it was her fault that nothing had worked. Convinced that she was to blame. Her dad had been okay in the months after her mum left, Jay knew that he had tried his best and he had scored points for that, he tried to get to know her, and take care of her. Yet it was hard being a single father, to a young girl. It was hard trying to rebuild a world that you had no control over. Her world had shattered, and had not gotten better. Dad had met someone, he said, one day after work. He wanted Jay to meet her. For some reason, it was important that Jay like the person and that the person like her. The woman, nice as pie, came on the scene. Jay didn’t mind, she knew her mum and dad had split up, she knew they were not going to get together again. Damien had always protected her as much as possible, holding her as she sobbed when they fought at night thought they never knew it, the walls were not thin, but they were not thick enough to drown out the fighting. She had cried herself to sleep many nights. The woman was nice. She bought Jay a teddy bear and laughed and talked with her dad. Flirted, Jay thought now as a nearly adult, that is what it was all about. Jay had no doubt her dad loved this woman, but she did know that the woman was jealous of her. Her role and place in her dad’s heart. The lights of Perth faded away and the dark expanse of the Indian ocean along Australia’s southern coast poured out beneath her, Jay settled back in her seat away from the window and allowed the rest of the memories of what happened flood over her. They had been married, the woman had her own daughter, and Jay was soon an older sister to a girl named Sarah. Sarah was not a nasty child, nor was she particularly good. However she had the one up on Jay – she knew her mother and the way to get to her. Jay would be punished for everything that ever went wrong. It had taken Jay so many years to call what happened what it really was, she had ached and hurt for so long – then going to church and youth group found a meaning to things that had not been there, and a way to healing that was shaky but better than living in the black pit she had built herself. Not that she had pulled out of that black pit completely. The dark places of the mind lured her and the memories were taunts that she doubted she would ever remove. The walls had been built so high and strong that Jay had trouble connecting with anyone. Resting her head against the window again she continued her memories. It had exploded into something it should never have been. No grown woman should perceive a child as a threat, nor any grown man for that matter. Jay had turned seven by this time. Her ideals were in fairies and her dream was to see her mum for her birthday. She was a smart child, but still just a child. Seven was not a good year, and for Jay it melded into several events, snapshots of things that happened. Firstly the wedding, she didn’t remember any of it. Here it remained a blur, she remembered being punished for hiding from everyone. Her fear of crowds echoed back to her as an adult. Jay recalled being tormented by her stepmother, mouth washed out with soap, beatings, but she recalled only vaguely, and vividly, her stepsister being horrified at the bruising on her legs and back. Eight years old was no better. Jay first ran away at eight. She hid at school, hoping that she would be able to leave, and let them have their life the way they wanted, thinking she was obviously the problem. That was the crux of the whole thing, she longed to be safe, and to not cause any more trouble. She longed to be anywhere but where she was. Damien had found her and bought her home, and she had been beaten for running away. She turned nine the following February, and life turned even worse. She walked on eggshells, but would get cut more often than not. Nothing she did could please her stepmother or her father, and things kept spiralling. It lasted like that until a teacher had seen the bruises on her ankles, and called Child welfare. Jay shifted from the window and glanced up at the movie on the screen, it was some terribly violent film that she couldn’t stand, and so she turned her attention back to the window. Her mother had told her that if she looked hard she might see some lights below as they flew over Australia. That was enough to keep her focus from fear – she hated being so far off the ground, and on the lights that could possibly be there. Jay’s teacher kept her after school. A godly woman, she had seen the child come to school depressed day after day, and finally, after Jay had tripped down the stairs of the demountable classroom, she had seen the bruises. When she had, she called child welfare and took Jay to the sick bay at the school. The welfare officers took a lot of notes and talked to Jay, her sister came to the office and was sent to tell her stepmother that Jay was not coming. Everything started to go haywire. The welfare folks, took Jay to her grandmother’s place, Jay didn’t really know the nitty gritty of it, didn’t recall telling them anything particular. Yet a few months later, she was back home and everything was the same, if not worse. Then one night, when her dad was working late, her stepmother called her into the lounge. Jay had gone cautiously, it had never been good to be singled out from the other two, and her stepmother would always think of some cruel and unusual punishment, like calling her ugly and making her stand in front of the mirror for hours, or sending her to bed without food, or just simply not giving her enough food. She was on the phone, Jay knew it was to her mother. “Oh you have to come and collect her, I know… but James has been beating her, and I am worried for her.” She had said into the mouthpiece, before hanging up. Her mother would be there in a few hours. “There you go, you little brat, you got just what you wanted, you can go live with your mother!” her stepmother had shouted at her, as she turned from the phone, “Don’t stand there staring, go and do something useful.” Jay went to her room, her tears falling fast. In a sense it was what she wanted, but it wasn’t - the threat to send her away was always used, more often to send her to some bad place. It ached that she was being forced to go, even though somewhere inside, she knew it would be better. Her mother had collected her and her things that night, Jay had been terrified of the whole thing, and now as an adult, everything blurred. She was very sick when she was taken away by her mum, and very scared. Years had passed; her mother had worked hard and made a life for them. Damien stayed with his father. Not understanding why Jay had such an issue with being around them or visiting the house. Jay was woken with a shake of her arm. “Ma’am food is coming, do you want a coffee?” Jay blinked as the airhostess offered the nice smelling brew. “Yes, thankyou.” She said, lowering her tray table the present being much more real than her memories. The food she picked at, Jay was a fussy eater, and the food was not entirely appetizing. She gazed out the window and saw a flicker of light as they passed inland over Adelaide. Everyone on the plane was stirring now, and the flight crew were working to fill orders of drinks and to hand out the meal. Jay sat back against her chair nibbling the cookies that came with her coffee. It was less than two hours towards the end of the flights, she was already very tired and really didn’t want to have to deal with meeting new people. At the very least, she wanted to nap before going to registration. It dawned on her slowly, that this adventure she had started was something
that could change her life completely if she let it. Her mind whirled as she
realised that she had made no impression on people over there, she didn’t know
them. They were like the wet concrete that she and her brother had drawn their
names in when her dad had changed the house. The plane shifted in the air,
reminding Jay why she hated flying so much, and her thoughts went back to the
road ahead of her. The reality that Jay faced was not the same as the one she
had left. Her idea of changing herself a little, adjusting and growing seemed a
good enough one. It was easier to be a different person, when you were not
around people you knew. Her mind was set on this, and the journey lagged on. The
coffee was sweet and it took Jay a while to finish the cup she had, and as she
did the hostess came around to refill the cup. “How is the flight?” she asked
Jay, as she poured the amber liquid into the cup, followed by a little milk.
“Good, it’s only my second flight.” Jay replied hesitantly. “Oh well we have had
a good run, and there is an hour and a half to go. Just relax and enjoy it
love.” With that the airhostess moved on to other passengers. Jay reached into
her bag and pulled out her Bible, she knew that it was probably the easiest
thing to read on the flight and had packed it accordingly. She opened to Isaiah
and read. Time went fast as she did, and sooner than she anticipated the call
came to secure away the tray table and hand luggage, and the airhostess took
away the cup with a smile. The tray up, and her Bible back in her bag, Jay
turned her attention to Sydney, as it lay spread out beneath her. It was a large
city, full of lights and she wondered what it was going to be like to live
there. She could already sense the plane banking, and she knew that this was it.
They circled out over the waters of what she later learned was Botany Bay, and
landed on the air strip pulling up slowly to the terminal. The trip had not been
too bad, and it was now the early hours of the morning, the sun was rising –
much to Jay’s delight – over the water to the east. She, coming from the West
had only seen it set over the water and had never seen it rise over it. As she
collected her hand luggage, she waited for most of the people to get off ahead
of her; she was in no rush and had no idea what the person waiting for her was
like. Wether they arrived on time or were late. The weather was overcast, but
warm. However it was not as hot as it had been when they left from Perth, and
Jay regretted not carrying a jacket with her. She shrugged, slipped her backpack
on and walked off the plane. Stopping briefly to thank the airhostess for her
hospitality. She then took a deep breath and walked into the terminal. First
thing on her mind was finding a bathroom, to wash her face and hands and
generally straighten up. She was rewarded with one straight ahead and she went
there first. Staring at the girl in the mirror. Red hair and glasses gazed back
at her, the girl seemed a lot calmer than Jay felt, and she shook her head and
walked from the room. Sydney airport was gigantic. Jay was glad to be tired
because it meant that she would not be as easily distracted as she made her way
to the baggage claim. Her suitcases were there already, as she had booked in
early. She grabbed them and went and waited for the person who was meeting her.
“Jay Robinson?” a voice asked in her general direction. “Yes that is me.” She
looked up, first seeing the shoes and then the face of the man who was meeting
her. He was dressed in a suit, which surprised Jay because most pastors she knew
would not have worn a suit, and however he was smiling as she met his eyes. “I
am Pastor Johns, your pastor contacted me to let me know you were coming here.”
Jay nodded and smiled, relieved that the first things were done with. “Well then
lets get you to your student housing.” He said hefting her suitcases and leading
her off to the several storey car park. “Over this way.” Ps. Johns said leading
past a few badly parked vehicles to a white station wagon. Jay was glad to be on
the ground again, and relaxed thankfully into the seat, as the pastor drove
through the streets of Sydney. She was looking around herself amazed, the
suburbs near the airport were grimy and dirty, and the streets were narrow. Jay
winced as cars came closer and closer until finally they were out in the main
traffic. “You haven’t been to Sydney before have you?” Ps Johns asked. “No,
never outside of Western Australia, tho we did fly to Albany once.” She replied
quietly. Awestruck at the sheer size of the city and the time it was taking to
get where they were going. “You will like it, she isn’t a bad city, a bit rough
around the edges but mostly fine.” The pastor was saying, “Take some time to get
to know it too.” “I will, but today, I must go register at the college and
settle into the student house.” Jay replied. “Yes of course. Tell me have you
had breakfast?” He asked then. “Not exactly. Just a juice on the flight before
we landed.” The orange juice had been a funny thing to Jay; it seemed to mark
the morning to a lot of the travellers. “We will have to remedy that.” The
pastor replied with a smile, as he turned off into a McDonald’s car park. The
food was greasy and not really Jay’s style but she ate it anyhow, figuring that
she would not get breakfast anywhere else. Student housing was still a mystery
to her and she wondered what it would be like. The pastor was telling her about
his church, and inviting her to come along on the Sunday. “Actually, why don’t I
pick you up in the morning?” He said with a smile “It will be early but it
should be a good service, I will come by at 8am.” “Sure, that will be fine.” Jay
replied. “I bet you can’t even imagine Sunday right now!” He said with a laugh
“all this new stuff and no sense of where you’re fitting in. Well let’s fix some
of that and get you to where you will be living while you are here.” They got
back into the car and he drove another twenty minutes up through the city. The
whole time, it seemed to Jay, everything was growing closer together and
tighter. People were out and about, rushing this way and that and it never
seemed to end. Jay felt like a child who had lost their mother in the shopping
centre. “Well here we are!” The red brick of the student house loomed in front
of her as she waited while the pastor switched off the engine. She undid her
seatbelt slowly; every small thing seemed to count. As she opened the door she
relaxed a little – she was nearly able to rest. “Here you go,” the pastor set
her bags on the footpath,” Just let me lock up the car and we will get you in
and settled. Then I had better get going!” The student house was a three-storey
building, cramped in a narrow space between a church and an alleyway that led to
another car park in the rear. There were no gardens, and nothing that radiated
beauty to Jay as she took a deep breath and lifted her backpack onto her back
and walking up the steps behind the pastor. “Hello!” A woman answered, she was
dark and friendly, smiling as Jay came in. On the table was a meal, laid out and
ready, but she left that and came towards Jay. “Welcome honey, you must be Jay.”
Jay nodded, her nerves stealing her voice somewhat. The lady kindly led her up
the steps to a room. It was small, cream painted walls, a simple sash window, a
bed and a desk, along with a dresser and large mirror. “This will be your room.”
Jay smiled; it would be okay, she had somewhere to belong at last, a yawn
escaped before she had a chance to squash it down. “Oh my, of course you haven’t
slept!” The lady said, sincerely stunned that she had forgotten something so
simple. She went out and came back a moment later with sheets for the bed.
“Linen change is every Tuesday. Dinner is at 6pm though, it is still holidays so
everyone is fending for themselves.” She smiled “Please freshen up, one of your
lecturers called earlier, he will come and collect you for registration in a few
hours. Rest if you need, I am down stairs if you need me.” After they left, Jay
closed the door, and turned and sat on the bed. She spread out the sheets and
her doona, and found the empty room a strange place to fall asleep. A few hours
later, though it felt like mere minutes, Jay’s alarm went off. She opened her
eyes expecting to see her room at home. Instead she was greeted with the blank
walls and silence of the room she was in. She opened her backpack and took out
the things she wouldn’t need that afternoon. Making sure her fees money safely
hidden in her wallet. Her mother had made sure she knew that she could call her
when she needed help, and had also packed her laptop and other things safely
within her case. Jay realised she needed to phone her mother, something she had
forgotten to do when at the airport. She looked for change and was disgusted to
find that she didn’t have any. It had not even dawned on her that she wouldn’t
have a phone in her room. Somehow she had to find a way to call. She clicked
open her case and pulled out her clothes she was going to change into, something
more comfortable – jeans and a long sleeve t-shirt. Pulling on her clothes she
began to wish she had really thought harder about what she would need here, as
it was she had forgotten simple things like toothbrush and toothpaste. It didn’t
matter, she thought to herself, there had to be shops around. A knock on her
door a moment later, as she ran a brush through her hair proved to be the
lecturer who had written her acceptance letter into the Youth Ministry course.
“Hi, I’m David.” He shook her hand and smiled, “Its great to have you here, and
I guess that means we need to get going. Do you need to go to the shops? My wife
asked me to get a few things, so I can take you there on the way back here if
you like.” Jay nodded, that would be perfect! The way to the college –
University, Jay corrected herself mentally, her high school had been called a
college, was around the bay – and Jay stared at the water, the road coming right
to it’s edge. “It all seems so cramped!” She said quietly, almost to herself.
“Yes I know, it takes some getting used to it.” David replied, as they turned up
towards a hill, “But you will, it just seems very strange today.” The college
was an old High school, it was the same red brick, that Jay would soon learn
most of the buildings in the area were built from, and it had a large hall as
part of the campus. As David led the way to the office Jay stared at the
different things around the place – here a sign that said Music centre and there
a sign that said library. The office was on the first floor. The admin centre
was not very large and it seemed to Jay to be a lively place, with a lot of
people around. She registered for her course and collected her schedule, she had
asked to do a summer class so she had a chance to get used to the college campus
and travelling to and fro. The class was in Christian counselling and she was terrified to learn that it was actually a component in another course - one that was aimed at much older people. David showed her around the campus, and as he stopped to pick up a few things from his office, he introduced her to the head of department. On the way back to the student house, they stopped off to buy some groceries and as Jay stepped into the shop, she gaped at the size and range of products. “I feel like I am from some country back water.” She said shaking her head as she tried to remember what she needed. David watched her amused “Yes I’ve been told they are big here.” Jay smiled widely “Perth isn’t that far away. It can’t be that different.” She grabbed the things she needed and made a mental note to come back on her own sometime. The first day faded into the second and the third – her room was transformed from the empty space to a place where she felt comfortable and relaxed. She called her mother when she got home and let her know that all was well. Student housing was an interesting place with all manner of people. Jay met her neighbours and was surprised to learn that every room was filled with a musician. She winced thinking that it was going to be hard studying. “No other theology students?” She asked the housemother one afternoon in the week “Coming soon, we have a boy... And another girl I believe.” Sunday came with a speed that surprised Jay, she dressed well and sat outside and waited at 8am for the pastor, hoping he remembered his promise to take her to church. He arrived after eight apologising profusely. Explaining he had forgotten several things at home and had turned around to collect them and then gotten caught on the phone. “Its okay, I don’t mind.” Jay said sliding into the front seat and fastening the seatbelt. “Well as it is, you will probably be fairly bored there…” he replied pulling out into the traffic. “I needed to be there early, but I will show you the church and you can be comfortably sitting there for a while.” Jay shrugged; she had expected as much and had a book with her to read if necessary; one of the first things she had done was join the library down the road from the house. “Jayne?” her Mother came into the room, years had been kind to Jose, and she was still a beautiful woman “honey are you alright?” Jay had come home from school crying and gone straight to her room. “I got into trouble.” She replied staring at the ground. “How come? Come on sweetheart, it cant be that bad.” Jayne fidgeted, she wanted desperately to pretend she didn’t have a note for her mother from the principal of the tiny school. “I hit someone.” She mumbled it into her hands as she started crying again. “How come?” “She was picking on a littler kid.” Jayne replied, her mother tilting her chin up to look at her. “Oh honey, you know it was wrong or you wouldn’t be here crying. You have a note for me?” Jayne pulled the crumpled blue paper from her pocket; it was a note requesting an interview. Jose called the school and set it up for before school the next morning. “Welcome Mrs Robinson” the man peered over his thick glasses as Jose and Jayne walked in. “Actually, that would be Miss Anders.” “Ah I apologise, I assumed…” he stopped as Jayne came into the room. “Ahhh Jayne. Good morning, wont you both take a seat.” Jayne sat just behind her mum, and stayed close. Knowing that her mother would fight for her and whatever was right. “I assume you received the note from me yesterday?” The principal began. “Yes indeed.” Jose nodded allowing the man to understand she knew what was going on. “Then you know I am seriously concerned about Jayne.” He looked down at his notes “As are several of her teachers.” “I see…” Jayne leant closer to her mother as she spoke. “Jayne is a very fragile girl.” “We know. We all want her to keep doing well, her grades speak of a very smart girl.” He spoke and smiled at Jayne, he looked just a little sad as he continued “However, we have the matter that happened yesterday and the other things…” He turned the file towards Jose. “The child is over-protective, doesn’t work in groups well, and there are other signs of anti-social behaviour. We know that slapping Bella was out of character, and Bella will be seen on the other things that she has done. However…” here he paused and looked at the child in question “we think that Jayne needs some counselling Miss Anders, it seems she is deeply disturbed. She doesn’t trust anyone.” “I know.” Jose replied with a sigh “A lot has happened in her short life.” “We have a school psychologist we would like her to come see tomorrow.” He passed a card over the desk to Jose, and Jayne glanced at it. Dr St Johns, School Psychologist, it read with a separate phone number. “He serves as counsellor and guidance counsellor at the high school down the road,” the principal explained “I’ve consulted with him several times on cases not dislike your daughter, please see him.” The service started at nine and Jay slid her book into her backpack. As people began to fill the room she loved to watch people; and these were no exception. She felt self-conscious – her red hair and pale skin began to seem odd in the midst of the people she saw filing into the room. Asian she thought to herself, tho not with fear, but with curiosity. She remained seated, and the pastor came up and introduced another student to her. It seemed good, the room was abuzz with voices and laughter, and then, as many as there was in the room, and they fell silent as the worship leader took over. The service lasted a few hours and Jay felt uplifted after wards. Her faith was renewed and she knew she wanted to come back the following week. “So how did you like it?” the girl who the pastor had introduced to her asked. “I loved it, very different to what I am used to from home!” Jay replied enthusiastically. “Oh I bet..” “But I really enjoyed it.” “They have a youth group that meets on Friday nights, well more of a young adult group. You might enjoy that.” “Yeah that would be good, I really want to get involved in something over here.” The girl lunged her hand into the crowd and grabbed someone’s arm. “Hey Pete!” She said he stopped and smiled “This is Jay, she is from Perth, new student at the college.” “Hey there Jay, I’m Pete.” She shook his hand. “She wants to come to Friday nights.” “Awesome!” Pete replied enthusiastically. “We hold it here, Jo doesn’t come, but there are a lot of new people this time of year. 7.30pm Friday nights – on the third floor, and someone will give you a lift home I’m sure.” “So this Friday?” Jay replied “Yes! Most definitely.” Pete was a bundle of energy and Jay found him almost overly enthusiastic. She smiled and slowly she managed to excuse herself from the conversation. The number of people around her surprised her; it would have totally overwhelmed her church at home to see numbers like this. She must let them know how she found it here. The pastor had let her know before the service that he would be busy now the rest of the day, and that she could make her own way home by bus fairly easily. She had a list of buses that went near the student house and decided that she should explore a little. Sydney was a busy place on a Sunday, unlike Perth it did not close down over the weekend and Jay found it amusing that the life would be so vibrant. January was warm but nothing compared to Perth. Jay found herself walking the pavement towards the larger mall – one with a store called Grace Brothers. Jay was amazed at the numbers of people and wondered how they managed their day when the city was not really spacious. She wandered some more before wanting to go home, buying a chicken salad from a shop on the way, for dinner. The buses were unmistakeable; they were blue and white with a red line dividing the two. She managed to find a bus stop on George Street with the right numbers on the sign above it. That was when she saw the shop, a large sign lettered the window and she knew she had to go in and take a look. It was a bookshop, located right near the bus stop. But not a bookshop like any she had seen in Perth. This one was huge; the books arranged in sections bigger than the local store she had bought lollies in as a kid. Best of all, they sold stationary of all kinds. Especially, it seemed, art supplies. Jay was in heaven. Very few people understand the draw of a stationary shop, the thrill of finding the perfect pen or even of finding a decent sketchbook. Jay was however, delighted. She wandered around for a while, and bought a set of pencils and a sketchpad to take back to the student house with her; a sudden urge to draw and write over took her. Her story telling was legendary within her small circle of friends from high school, and she looked forward to writing to them using the pens and stationary they sent with her, and she also looked forward to drawing some of the buildings and landmarks in Sydney. Delighted she dashed out to the bus stop, holding her purchases close to her as she slid into her seat. The bus was crowded going down towards what Jay found later to be China town. Jay sat near the window and hugged her backpack on her knee, staring out at the streets around her. She couldn’t imagine growing up in a place like this. Perth had always been clean and comfortingly familiar, not dirty and strange. The streets faded to familiar in a few minutes and she walked into the student house, and up the steps to her room. Tomorrow a new day would start and so would the next step in her education. The day started with the blaring of her alarm clock. Jay leapt out of bed and knocked her knee on her desk. She stared around her, not sure where she was for a moment. Then realising she was in fact, in Sydney at student housing for a Christian University, which for all intents and purposes started today. She struggled to put her clothing on and tried to wake up enough, to make it downstairs with her bag and shoes to have breakfast before she left. Carefully locking her room she tripped at the top step and landed on the landing half way with a crunch. She sighed. It was so unfair that today would be the day she tripped down the steps. She struggled and managed to walk gingerly the rest of the way, at the very least, she would get to the college. Day 22 (extra) “How weird. I mean… I don’t think I’m worth all that.” “Why don’t you take the Bible and you can read it?” Kylie added “I have another one at home anyhow.” Jay placed the Bible on her desk and sat down cross-legged on the bed. “Cool, thanks.” She grabbed the paper that Kylie had placed on the bed “So what is this assignment?” College soon settled into a small routine as Jay would catch a ride with Dwayne in the mornings and make her own way home. She soon found that it was easy enough and that her bus pass was her ticket to freedom. The bus passed right by the shops she had been taken to on the first day and at length she found herself able to explore more. Happily, she decided that this was not so bad. It wasn’t yet regular class times at college, but she had gotten used to the process of doing assignments. The only thing that still terrified her was the reality of having to do the practical component of the counselling class. It meant being in a group of three, and doing the processes and ideas taught to them in the class. She felt incredibly young and stupid in the whole thing. The first Friday she arrived at the church for the youth group was a strange one, she had been running late all day. Eaten at the student house and made her way to the city – her first experience of coming in by bus later in the day. She found it amazing that there was still a large number of people around, she had been used to catching a bus to the city in Perth at strange times of day – meeting a friend for a movie or whatnot. However Perth emptied fairly quickly of people and every time a parent had picked them up at the door of the cinema. Jay grabbed her backpack closer, feeling very suddenly vulnerable; she climbed off the bus and walked as fast as possible to the Church. She saw a few other people around in the building but no familiar faces. Sighing she went up to the lift and pressed the up button – someone had to be there it was now 7.20pm. The lift was empty as it took her up to the third floor. Jay was more nervous than she anticipated. Wondering what it was going to be like. The doors slid open to reveal a crowded room of people – all talking at once. Jay slid into the crowd and waited for a few minutes, breathing a sigh of relief that it was there and on and she had not gotten lost. “Hi!” Pete came over and greeted her “Remember me?” “Yes, hello…” Jay said, her nerves slowly settling. “Yeah pretty daunting to come on your own for the first time.” He added leading her through the crowd. “Let me introduce you to our leader.” The crowd was made up of mostly university students who had come from the three or four universities within Sydney; they all seemed happy and laughing. Some were speaking different languages, and a lot of them added ‘la’ on the end of everything. Jay was not exactly sure if she fitted in, her red hair and pale skin seemed to be a very strange thing in this crowd. “Hey Brian!” Peter called into the throng as an older man stepped out. “This is Jay, she’s new to our group.” “Ahhh welcome!” he shook her hand enthusiastically. “I’m Brian… what do you study? Where are you from?” “I’m from Perth, and I am at the college studying youth ministry.” Jay replied shyly, it was still early on in her plan to make a good impression and some habits die hard. “Cool! We have cell groups starting next week, we will get you into one if you like. Tonight is just an introduction to the group. We have it every year because we get a lot of new people this time of year.” He explained that this was normal, and as he said that not everyone knew everyone else and waved around, Jay could hardly believe these were people meeting for the first time. She sat nervously on the floor waiting for the thing to start. It was pretty funny when it did, she had expected something silly and that is what she got. They also did some serious stuff too – like explain that they had a specific vision and ministry goal and aim to their meetings. Slowly the night went on, for Jay, it was over too soon. Although when she looked at her watch she saw that it was midnight and she blinked – it hadn’t seem to be that long! “Do you need a ride home?” a voice to her right spoke up. It belonged to a fairly short guy, “I’m Harry, where do you live and do you need a ride?” “I’m just down Parramatta rd a ways.” Jay replied desperately trying to remember the suburb name. “Cool, I can take you.” He led the way to his car and about three other people as well. It was odd for Jay, to rely on other people to take her home. But she knew that the buses were not safe this time of night and that this was something she had to get used to. Kylie came to school in tears the last Thursday of July, she had some news. They had been in the same classes for three years and now her father had to move. Something about his job and his calling. Kylie had come to clear her locker and finalise things. Jay sat in shock. “I didn’t know or I would have told you sooner!” Kylie said as Jay hugged her tightly and gave her a hanky for her tears. “I don’t want to go, but it is my parents… Oh Jay how am I ever going to make it without you around?” Jay smiled and shrugged “I don’t know. I don’t even know how I’m going to make it without you. I will make you a deal though, we will write weekly ok?” “Ok…” Kylie rubbed her eyes as the tears flooded again. “Where are you moving to?” Jay asked then. Kylie looked up at her and sighed. “Dad is signing up to become a missionary… we are moving to Sydney for a few months and then to Africa.” “AFRICA!” Jay gasped in shock, “That is so far away!” “I know it couldn’t be further.” Kylie muttered. “He has been praying about it since last June when the pastor suggested the idea.” “I see…” Jay sighed. “We will still write ok?” “Yes most definitely. And I will be back to visit don’t you worry!” Kylie hugged her friend. “I am going to hate the last few years of school.” Jay predicted, “It just will not be the same without you.” Kylie had left, and left her Bible behind with Jay, telling her that if she read it she would be closer. Later that night Jay sat on her bed staring out the window, the stars twinkling overhead. She was suddenly hit with the thought that the Creator, the one who had made the stars was the same God that Kylie had told her about. The same one who wanted to know her, the same one who had sent his son to die for her, so she could know him. The same one who wanted to take care of her. It hit her hard; she opened the blind and lay on her bed staring up at the stars. Then and there she decided to give her life and heart to Him, and let Him into hers. “Dear Lord,” she started, as she had heard Kylies mother say when they said grace “I don’t even know what to say, I just want you in my life and I want to live my life for you. Amen.” She felt strangely at peace with it, and decided that over the next few years she would need to read the book Kylie had given her. She wrote every week to tell Kylie the new things that had been going on, and life changed, in an instant. Harry was a very good driver and Jay trusted him to drive her home. He dropped her off with a smile and a God Bless. She stepped into the house and went up to her room feeling satisfied. Classes started in earnest and though she had an ongoing assignment from the counselling intensive, she had done okay and passed the class. Though the teacher had pulled her aside and spoken to her about her age. It hadn’t bothered Jay any; she knew that she was young and that it was a lot of asking to expect her to know the things that other people knew without thinking. As it turned out she had a flair for her scholarly classes, especially biblical studies. She adored it. As life panned into reality in Sydney, Jay found herself thinking about home and how things had been left unspoken. Trying to put such thoughts from her mind Jay found herself hiding more and more in her room, avoiding people, startled when someone spoke to her. She forgot her birthday was coming, on some level she wanted desperately to be remembered and have lots of fun but on another level she knew her Dad would never remember her birthday. A knock sounded at her door at around eight o’clock on her birthday. “Hey Jay you awake yet?” It was several giggling voices as she struggled out of bed and towards the door. Opening it she found that it was decorated with balloons and streamers, a card had been place where she would find it and the giggling gang was no-where to be seen. Lifting the card she read it and laughed. Most of the people had signed it “Hi, don’t know you yet, but delighted to wish you a Happy Birthday!” “So are you coming down to breakfast?” Dwayne called to her up the hall. “Yeah.” Jay ran her hand through her hair and retreated to her room to pull on her jeans and t-shirt, clothes she wore now as her habitual outfit to college. She still had classes today. Grabbing her bag and everything she needed, she threw her bed together and made her way downstairs. There on the table was a place set with orange juice and cereal, their normal breakfast but specially set out. “Here take a seat!” One of the girls, Jodie said as she came in. “Happy birthday!” They were all so kind and it set her mood to high for the day. Classes went well, and Jay felt that as an 18 year old she might better handle it, though she strongly doubted it. As she came home she noticed that there was mail in her pigeonhole. Three letters, and one large package; she recognised the writing on the outside of the package and laughed – her mother had sent her a big package with cake mix and a few other things. As she sat at the table in the dining hall she opened the other letters, to her shock it was from her stepmother, chastising her for talking to her dad and telling him she was leaving. It had a bunch of stuff in, most of which Jay decided not to repeat. She folded the letter and sat back from the table. The tears came unbidden to her eyes as she sat staring at the envelope as it lay on the table. “Jay?” It was Jodie coming to the dining room, “What’s up honey?” Jay shrugged, not sure how to speak or tell or share whatever the right phrase was. She pointed to the envelope on the table as Jodie sat beside her. “May I?” Jodie lifted the envelope in question. Jay nodded. Jodie read and then looked at Jay. “Oh honey I am so sorry. I don’t know what to say…” “Its ok… I think…. I just need to go to my room and …” Jay grabbed her mail and fled to her room, not daring to look behind her at Jodie as she sat at the table. Everyone has dark moments, Jay knew it, and without Kylie around for school she started having a lot of them. She didn’t fit in with anyone else, and she didn’t understand what the fuss was with fashion or make-up. She didn’t get the boy thing either. She let it slide – the attempts to be popular, or to be strong. She buried herself in her books and wrote letters to Kylie whenever she could. Posting them once a week. The darkest moments she kept hidden. The times she stared at the window and didn’t know quite how to deal with the dark things in her mind. The counsellor at school was no help, he was not a Christian, and he didn’t understand that she didn’t need to know it was normal. She wanted to know it wasn’t normal, that there was an alternative to the darkness that plagued her. She didn’t want to live this way if that was how it was meant to be. “How am I meant to do it?” she asked no one in particular as she stared at the wall of her room, when she was alone. She never showed such a weak side to anyone but these four walls. She never told anyone, secrets were her friend, and enemy rolled into one. As Jay closed the door of her room and locked it, she felt stifled like she was being smothered. Running to the window she opened it and sat on the ledge. Most people would have been surprised to see her there, it was not an ideal spot, and Jay knew the dangers of the location. She stared down at the ground below her, thinking just how easy it would be to jump down and die. How simple it would be. How much her stepmother would delight in not having to deal with her existence. A gentle voice in her heart said “Don’t.” She pulled her head back into the room and slumped on the floor as a knock sounded at the door. “Jay, its me… Jodie, can I come in?” Jay forced herself to unlock the door, fighting the urge to say no. Jodie came in carrying two cups of tea, and quietly closed the door behind her, coming over and sitting down on the floor next to Jay. “Want to talk?” Jodie asked handing Jay the tea. The tears started again, from some secret reservoir in her heart gushing down her face. “All I wanted was for him to care.” “Yeah, I kind of saw that from the letter.” Jodie sighed. “Want to tell me from the beginning? Don’t worry, you can trust me, I won’t be telling anyone. Just a friendly ear if you need it.” “Thanks.” Jay replied, falling silent for a while. Slowly the story came out, Jay told her whole life in a nutshell first, and then filled in the details. It was in the details that the truth lay, not in the glossed over thing that she often told other people. “Wow, that is sure a lot to deal with.” Jodie said as Jay finished. “And you, are amazing.” “Me?” Jay seemed surprised “How can I be amazing?” “You have a strength and courage that so many people miss because you don’t let them see you.” “I don’t know.” Jay carefully put her cup down as she went to run her hand through her hair. “I don’t feel brave or anything terrific like that.” “No, most people don’t. First year is like…. The pruning ground for some people. A lot of people drop out after the first year.” Jodie was talking about college. “It takes a certainly strong person to go at it with such determination. I really admire you and respect that.” “I’ve never had… “ Jay started to try and say she had not ever really had much admiration or respect in her life. “Its true though, you have nothing to fear from people. But you’ve got to let them judge ... And not start out thinking you are not worth it. “ Jodie’s words made a world of sense to Jay, and she shrugged as she realised that the world was not as terrible over here as she thought. “What do I do about… them.” She asked then, thinking of her folks. “You’re the kid, it isn’t your job to live their lives for them, they have to be responsible for the things they do, just as you are responsible for the things you do.” Something clicked in Jay’s heart, she knew without a doubt that all the years of being told by her stepmother that it was all her fault, were not true, the truth was that it wasn’t her fault – she had to live her life the best way she could. They talked some more, and then Jodie suggested that Jay get some rest and not worry about her folks. It wasn’t such a big deal after all, and it would be all right. The principal had called Jay’s mother. Jay was shaking and couldn’t stop crying. She had never had panic attacks until the news came though that her dad was trying to convince his lawyer to file for custody. No-one had asked her. She was terrified her dad would try to remove her from her mothers care. Somehow though, this fear came out in a huge panic attack, and the principal had called her mother. Jay was also scared she had done something irreversible to her school reputation. She was afraid of being a social outcast. “Jay!” her mother’s relieved voice rang through the office as she ran to her daughter, who promptly started crying again. “Oh honey!” Jay was hugged tightly. She struggled to regain her decorum. “Ms Anders?” the principal, a middle aged woman walked into the room. The picture she saw made her feel relieved a little, and it showed as she spoke. “That’s me, yes.” Jay’s mother turned towards her principal, who suggested then that they adjourn to another room. “Jay?” she asked, as she started to lead the way to her office. Jay stood and followed, her cheeks red and her eyes following only the shoes of her mother. “I called Ms Anders, because I believe Jay is terrified of something. She had a panic attack in class today. We can’t have her disrupting the school day, but at the same time we cant have one of our students so distressed either.” “Oh jay…!” Her mother sighed, knowing in part what was going on, and angry with the man who was the cause of it all. “I’m just scared he is going to come here Mum…. What if he does… what if I am trapped… again.” Jay slid further down in her chair, hiding her face in her hands and weeping openly now that they were away from prying eyes. “We wont let him into the school Jay.” The principal tried to reassure her. “Is there a safe place she could go?” Her mother looked up then, “I mean, if she feels frightened. Jay is a good student you have to know she isn’t going to abuse the system…” Jose pleaded with the principal who nodded in agreement. “I know, this is the first time Jay has been here for a negative reason. I mostly don’t see our top students.” She thought a while as Jose handed Jay some tissues and helped her dry her eyes. “She can come to the office, and I will have a room set aside, we have a few empty ones here.” She gestured to the end of the hall. “But Ms Anders, you must help her deal with the root of this, I know you cant remove her father from her life, but maybe getting her some help….” She gestured emphatically. “For today and tomorrow at least, let her stay home and recoup from the stress. I will let her teachers know she is ill.” Jay woke the next morning feeling silly, she knew she had let something get to her and she regretted being upset on her birthday. She vowed to make the most of her day now. This particular day she had no classes. So she did washing and tidied some and then opened the rest of her mail from the day before. One of them was a cute card from Kylie, and a voucher for the Christian bookshop that she had ordered over the Internet a few months before, she wrote “I know I wish I could shop with you over there, but you know, it took a month to get this and now I am sending it and it will take another month… go, enjoy. Buy something you need for college and a coffee and think of me. By the way I am coming to visit! I just don’t know when yet.” Jay wished she had opened it the day before, but she slid the voucher into her wallet vowing to get to the store eventually, hoping to get there that weekend. She knew that time would be on her side because she had done a lot of studying. She opened the last envelope. It was a card from her Grandfather with a crisp $50 in. She smiled. She needed to decorate a little and get something better for her bed. She made a devious plan to go shopping. She smiled, it just so happened that it was Friday today, and tonight would be the youth group. She had been allocated to a group run by Brian (which surprised her) and tonight was the first time. It had only just gone 9am, and she knew she could go and do some shopping today at least. She felt stronger for having chatted to Jodie late the night before, but she also felt a little isolated. It wasn’t until she stepped into Target that she started to relax and feel more herself. She knew she had to do that more, and she knew it was useless to keep analysing every motive and move she and other people made. Youth group that night was a strange experience for Jay, she had never been in a small group quite like this – she had joined in with the adults and so on with her church back home, eager to learn about God and what He had to say. This was unique and she knew it. The leader, Brian was very capable of handling the five or six of them fairly well. However it soon became evident to Jay that there were two groups within the one, the younger group – herself and a few others who had just started university or further training, and an older group who were either older in age or in wisdom. Jay smiled in great delight as the first meeting started with them throwing around the latest toy from a Happy Meal at McDonalds. Second Last Post He just smiled and winked. “I am a Christian, what are you?” |
